It’s a new year and as we all like to pretend it’s time for change. Real change this time, right?
Whether you like it or not, it is as Heraclitus said, ‘Nothing is permanent except change.’ It’s inevitable. So why do we hate it so much or fight it when it’s presented to us?
Simply put, fear.
If you’re being honest with yourself, how much would you really enjoy being the same person and in the same place you were as say, 5 years ago? What about 10? When I think of my first steps into the kink world it’s almost laughable how little I actually knew about myself as a dominant or those I wanted to engage with.
I remember gleefully exclaiming after one particularly naughty filled kinky weekend, “I hope this never changes.”
In the BDSM world it’s often assumed we will accept the individuals and their respective roles ‘As-is’, especially for those of us in charge. Many dominants don’t see any reason to personally change/evolve with their submissive and are more concerned with changing them instead. Either s-types accept them and that’s that or they are a “bad submissive”. Worse still is when in the midst of a sunny, imperturbable D/s dynamic, the prospect of a partner changing presents itself. This is capable of instilling fear (not the sexy kind) and anxiety.
It’s quite easy to make the change of someone else about oneself:
“I like her the way she is.”
“I don’t want my relationship to change.”
“I want them to stay the same.”
“Why are they doing this to me?”
You may get wrapped up in the idea that you are losing something or aspects of what you have. It can really feel like the beginning of the end and when these feelings aren’t addressed or when we try to force someone to stay as they are. This will almost certainly lead to hurt feelings, anger, and deep resentment. It is natural to be adverse to change but it doesn’t have to be a frightening or divisive process.
I know this because throughout my life, change has been a constant, as I am sure it has been in yours – home, friends, work, kink partners, hobbies, etc. It takes time to come to terms and rationally accepting change but it gets easier with practice. When I entered the kink community I didn’t know what kind of Femdom I was or what I wanted. It has only been through constant change that I have grown closer and closer to making my life reflect more of the things that are important to me and illuminate what I crave. These are aspects that ground me in who I am and what I want.
One of the first Femdom mentors to take me seriously in my craft, even when I was just a wee little baby domme, shared this wisdom with me…
She said, “If you don’t know what kind of Femdom you are and what you truly desire get out there and beat someone until you do.”
To say I have taken that advice to heart…
Countless bottoms beaten, buckets of tears I’ve consensually caused, fountains of fear I’ve forced others to drink from for my pleasure…
I know what kind of Femdom I am, what kind of Femdom I want to be, and have for a while now. It wasn’t easy to come by but it has been worth every struggle because the self-fulfillment hack is serene. The road here, to believing that what I want is possible because I know what I have to offer, has been enlightening to say the least.
That’s why it seems fitting that 13 years later, I’ve come back to something I have been searching for since first finding my Femdom side; a slave.
You can see the struggle in that old post. I wanted a slave but also a boyfriend and felt I had to find that within one person. Not to mention sorting through the type of ‘poly’ that fit me. I was figuring out how to even be a “girlfriend” when I felt that being a Mistress was more natural. Over time that changed. I changed. I decided what I wanted wasn’t out there and thus stopped searching for what I felt I needed in a slave, however I feel different now (I think haha).
The best thing about change is that you’ll look back on those decisions you actually made and realize that they were what made the adventure possible; they made you feel fulfilled, overjoyed, maybe uncomfortable, or even sad at times…but that’s what a journey is meant to be. Raw. Clumsy. Circular. Unknown. But still beneficial to getting to the core you.
None of this is to say that the partners in my life do not bring me joy, contentment, and security, because they do and I fucking love them for it. However, remember when I said earlier change within your dynamic or relationship with your partner isn’t about you? This isn’t about them.
I have changed. Me.
Or rather I have shifted into a new place internally. A place where I am giving myself permission to freely tap into the metamorphosis that is my life, my Queendom, and my deepest, kinkiest desires.
And this time, much like with my search for Puppy, I won’t stop…until I’ve changed my mind.