My puppy is back and it’s been an adjustment for us both. I couldn’t help but chuckle softly as I was watched him express genuine over-the-top anger at the video game he was currently playing as he cursed and threw down the controller.
It made me laugh until I caught myself mid thought, ‘He needs to get a grip on his anger‘ and then it all came flooding back to me…
Over the years here, I’ve done my best to be as honest as possible without revealing too much to identify myself outside of my chosen local communities. But I’ve always been honest.
And honestly? I’ve been disappointed with myself.
As many of you know my puppy and I have had a long, arduous, long distance love journey the past two years. But it is ours. We cherish it because we feel after all of it we still have the desire, love, and trust to be together. We’ve had our highs, we’ve had our lows but we have never disrespected or violated each other in any way, until a few weeks ago when I did just that.
I non-consensually grabbed my partner in the middle of an argument and shook him because at the time I thought it was the only way to get his attention. This wasn’t a scene, this wasn’t a consent violation, this was just plain, old fashion domestic violence. An immediate wave of thoughts came crashing over me as I backed away into another room still in shock. All it had taken was 30 seconds but I had changed everything.
Why did I do that?
Was I using my role as his dominant to excuse a lack of self control?
Had I picked up this habit from my Father who notoriously got physical in arguments?
Was the stress of the life, his new move to my home, and a balancing act of having three partners causing me to lash out?
Most importantly I thought: How could he trust me to take care of him when I had been so careless and selfish?
The moments after are still a bit fuzzy but we talked and I removed myself as his active dominant on a day to day basis. I put myself in time-out for any physical kinky play and turned off my Fetlife account. I immediately alerted my other two partners of my transgression and expressed that if they felt unsafe or wanted an equal ‘time out’ from me physically, I would understand.
I may have instilled through hypno-play that I am ‘the perfect domme’ for puppy. But I am not just a domme and I am not perfect. What I did was inexcusable, hurtful, and not an appropriate way to react in the heat of the moment. There was nothing ‘domme-ish’ about my actions. It was pure disrespect to someone who has asked to spend their life with me and I have tried to take a step back and get my shit together. Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten in a physical fight with a partner (kink or vanilla) but it was the first time I initiated one.
Over the weeks since then I have apologized numerous times to puppy (and am grateful he has forgiven me), stopped attending play parties, limited any physical play between us on a daily basis, refused teaching any BDSM classes, started journaling my moods each day, tried to find ways to mitigate the what feels like unfathomable amount of stress I am under and now have found the words to express it to those of you who have been with me along my own personal journey through my writing.
I only want to publicly atone for what I believe is a one time mistake. We all make mistakes, even puppy has made some. But we always believe actions speak louder than words and so I want my actions to reflect any words I cannot find to express my regret.
I know just saying ‘Sorry’ isn’t enough, you have to actually change.