“Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from Mistress d20domme! I spank you warmly on the bottom! Tremendous things are in store for you! Many wonderful surprises await you!“
If you’re American, you are no doubt familiar with the tale of Roald Dahl’s 1964 novel ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory‘. Willy Wonka, the founder of a world-renowned chocolate factory, offers a contest to children in which five golden tickets are distributed inside packages of Wonka chocolate bars.
A character laments at one point, “The kids who are going to find the golden tickets are the ones who can afford to buy candy bars every day! Our Charlie gets only one a year. He doesn’t have a chance.”
To be clear here, I am your Willy Wonka, you are desperate to be my (or someone’s) Charlie, and The Queendom is my chocolate factory.
Maybe you’ve been one of the hopefuls who “buys a chocolate bar every day” by way of messaging potential dominants or reading through profiles and posts. Or you’ve been fantasizing what “life would be like in the factory” when you have a dominant to control your life. Whatever your path to luck you’ve managed, you are now…
THE LUCKY FINDER OF A GOLDEN TICKET TO SERVE
[INSERT DOMINANT’S NAME]
Just as the story shows, in a similar way, a submissive can be introduced to a world unlike anything previously known. Sights and sounds beyond your imagination if only you can behave and put your best kneel forward. The best “golden advice” I can offer to those submissives in a similar position as Charlie; a golden ticket winner, is the following:
Identify why you want to submit
Don’t even try to get a golden ticket before you have internally nurtured this thought to the fullest. It’s important to discern what about acting submissive arouses something within you. These feelings often start as purely sexual and are tied to the bedroom or self satisfaction but does it go beyond that? Could you see this type of dynamic fulfilling you emotionally even given the extreme polarities of power transfer? How about psychological elements – will you be open to more than the role play of dominant and submissives? Have you discovered what kind of submissive you are or want to be guided into growing toward? Just how deep does your submissive desires go…
Maybe you already know this, if so – what specific areas of a D/s relationship will satisfy your perceived needs as a submissive and how will you convey those?
Check your health (inside and out)
I firmly believe D/s relationships require all participants be mentally and physically healthy. This involves good sleeping habits, a minimal intake of harmful vices, a nutritious diet, and a low-stress lifestyle. Re-read that. This doesn’t mean you or they need to be free of any mental or physical challenges, it means you are aware of them and actively taking care of yourself.
As a submissive if you aren’t able to meet my needs because of health problems, I take a pause. I’d suggest you invest in your well-being and take as much time as needed in order to regain strength and stability before initiating (or continuing) a D/s dynamic. Despite dominants taking on the responsibility of leading your dynamic, they’ll also have needs and limits of their own. Make sure to give equal attention to their physical and mental health.
Make sure to stay grounded and take a step back to process things when necessary. How will you offer yourself to someone if you don’t feel like your balanced self?
Understand your responsibilities and boundaries
Giving up your desired level of control and focusing on your dominant may be one of your main priorities. To keep the D/s dynamic healthy, as the submissive, you have a big deciding factor on which activities are on or off the table. Obviously never let anyone, dominant or otherwise, pressure or manipulate you into things you don’t want to do. Remember: If you’re not willingly consenting, it’s not BDSM. It’s abuse.
A lot of dominants like myself need structure in order to work within our desired boundaries, and a sub who doesn’t know those boundaries is a huge red flag. This can (and should) include boundaries outside of just kink and also reflect your personal skill/individualistic levels. Your dominant should provide you with defined expectations for behavior and punishments for missing the mark.
Domination is risky, be an active co-creator where needed. Choose a safe word, don’t be led into unwanted territory. Many beginning subs have trouble with this. Self-awareness is your friend here. Know when to tap out or voice concerns.
Become less assertive
Surprise, surprise, often your goal is to be the exact opposite of your dominant. Curb the cheekiness, back talking, and wise comments (unless you’ve agreed on a brat dynamic). Like must of us, you’ve probably been living with the freedom to say what you like and act normally, very autonomously. However, unless you’re asked you for your opinion, you should keep it to yourself. I don’t care which way you prefer to drive to the grocery store and I don’t want you speaking for me in public. Furthermore, you don’t need to make rules; there is someone who will do that for you. Your dominant creates all the rules, decisions, and opinions, and you should accept them within the boundaries of your relationship.
Moreover, a good sub is polite not only to their dominant but to everyone. Healthy, total obedience can only occur when you have helped set the stage that you’ll both be playing on in the agreed roles. To fully surrender into your role as a sub, and serve your dominant fully, you need to feel trust and safety. This not only comes from how your dominant behaves, and the quality of your connection, but how well you two have established the ground rules.
Being a sub isn’t just passive order taking. It’s active generosity and service of your pleasure – that can be done respectfully without overstepping your kink dynamic mindsets.
Set realistic expectations
We don’t live in an alternate kinky universe. Want to disappoint yourself and your dominant? Potentially get yourself or your dominant emotionally or physically hurt? Act as if you’re in a fantasy. As a new submissive, it is important to manage your expectations when initiating a new D/s dynamic. When you understand the difference between fantasy and reality, you can engage in rewarding and pleasurable D/s relationships in real life. Consider how engaging in BDSM will impact your life in all ways. How do you imagine your ideal dynamic look? How does this ideal align with your dominant? Do they need to match? What is essential and what are you willing to compromise on? Can you practice a healthy vanilla and kinky life balance?
I like when submissives have specific aspirations for their role and the relationship on a whole. This is where you will have to put in the effort yourself and collaborate with your dominant to achieve those goals through effective communication, revision, training, and renegotiating. This doesn’t mean there won’t be hurdles and hiccups to overcome, it means be prepared for those situations with reality-based expectations. Acting completely helpless during play can be exhilarating. On the flip side, being completely helpless in reality makes for a toxic situation, especially when BDSM is involved.
Your dominant may be in charge of some aspects of your dynamic – that does not absolve you, as a submissive, from typical relationship responsibilities as a responsible adult.
BDSM is about pleasure and totality of self-expression and dominants love the shared self expression of control. If you give them that, and dedicate to devote yourself, everyone will enjoy it. You will receive special treatment for being a good s-type, and they will take care of you. It is a win-win situation, and the only thing you need to do is obey, follow orders, and if you mess up, take your punishment. And most importantly, remember that your feelings about certain things mean nothing. To avoid pointless arguments that won’t lead you anywhere, it might be the best idea to stay in your subspace and say: “yes, Mistress” and obey the command.
Otherwise, how else do you expect to enjoy your Golden Ticket to a factory of your wildest dreams?