Poly people, sit down, *whew*, let’s have a chat. Oh wait, let me dial the ENM participants in as well, they’ll want to hear this. Yes, I know they’re new around here but this is for them too. Everyone here? Great, get comfortable, but not too comfortable, as that seems to be part of the issues.
I apologize ahead of time if it sounds like I’m annoyed it’s only because, I’M REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED but typing in all caps doesn’t carry the same meaning as it did in my days of youth. The issue is simple, the solution, far from. In my 15+ years as someone who has identified as ‘poly’ in some form or another, I have always seen this conundrum pop up. No matter the configuration or even experience with real life poly, this seems to happen consistently. So much so that I can predict it easily now.
When someone you know is poly, starts seeing someone new, and you’ve kinda, sorta, had thoughts that if you ever got drunk together you might kiss, or they’re your emotional comfort bear (and who wants to give that up right?), or maybe they’re someone who expressed interest in you but never acted on it because of social barriers or vice versa, whatever the case, PLEASE, no, seriously, please don’t use their newfound shiny object-ism (which, sorry to tell ya is probably a heavy case of good ol’ fashion NRE and honestly is a good thing for them and their current interest so check your motives), don’t, I repeat… DON’T use this as the “right time” to spring your feelings on them.
It’s in poor taste.
It’s not polite.
It’s not respectful of your friend and their partner. (Psst, cue the awkwardness now)
It’s pretty shitty when you actually think about it.
It’s selfish.
Obviously, I don’t think this should apply to all situations. If you now see this person in a different light and you think you’d give up ______ to be with them, then by all means, proceed, carefully, but with my blessing still. Because that’s how you, and us polyam individuals should be viewing situations like this. Just because we aren’t monogamous doesn’t mean we have to treat our potential love interests and single friends like a conveyor belt of ‘conveniently open options‘.
I ask myself with each new partner, ‘What would I sacrifice for them?’, because you must be willing to put something on the line if you are asking them to do the same with their newly blooming heart. It’s only fair right? If you struggle to come up with anything of significance, (read: something that would fundamentally change your day-to-day life), then I caution you to revisit those feelings in 6 months, and then again in a year, at which case reflect on their presence, that is, if they actually still exist.
It’s okay to know that someone is poly hearted but is choosing a different path for themselves, they may just be closed off temporarily while they explore a new person at their own pace. Be kind enough to give them a chance at authentic happiness on their own terms. If they mean that much to you, ask yourself, ‘Why have I never pulled the trigger on this before they met someone new?’, the longer you’ve known them, the harder you should contemplate. Poly relationships, no matter what they look like from the outside, can be sacred, and should be considered as such and it seems so many poly folks have forgotten that. *shakes old lady fist*
I have had ex-partners of years yonder raise from the dead to share their newfound forgiveness and love to me or my new current partners, wishy-washy FWBs turn 180° and demand immediate commitment, I’ve had plenty a “friend” confess during the let-me-be-the-fake-shoulder-to-cry-on period that finally, they can share their love for me *gag*, or my favorite (read: most insidious) the one who holds your secrets platonically. I’ve been a victim to them all in one way or another.
As a POLYANDROUS FEMDOM woman, these, feel like feeble attempts to grasp at something that you were either…
A) too stupid
B) too timid
C) too wrapped up in someone’s flaws
D) all of the above…
…to really take the leap of faith to see your “true” feelings through. ‘Grass Is Greener Syndrome ‘ can not only be fatal to your happiness, but multiple people’s if you spray that toxic pesticide in their budding romance.
If you’re looking for thrilling and convenient, purchase a lottery ticket, drive 14 miles over the speed limit, cut the tags off your mattress, hell, rip the labels off your canned goods and choose your own adventure at meal time, just, please DON’T non-consensually emotionally assault/manipulate your friend with your romantic feelings during the NRE phase of their new relationship.
It’s really sucky, and you kinda suck for doing it.
Oh, and if this feels like it’s about you, then it probably is…
Thank you for attending my TEDTalk haha.