You’re not a good dominant if you don’t have a way to make ends meet.
You’re not a good dominant if you’re free loading on friends or family.
You’re not a good dominant if you don’t have control of your own life.
I know that sounds harsh and comes off as elitist but it’s my honest opinion. I don’t think you can be a good submissive or friend either if you fall under these circumstances.
I can’t take anyone serious who doesn’t have their shit together. Period. I’ve mentioned before that dominants on the prowl whose lives are a mess really irk me. I know not everyone is/can participate in kink at the level I choose to. I’m not talking about the casual kinkster (i.e. only in the bedroom types). This is in reference to the kinksters who view this as a “lifestyle”and take it more seriously as a way of their living and attempt to embrace that.
Get your shit together.
As a Femdom who has painstakingly worked my way up in the community—unstableness bothers me. I take those I interact with very seriously. If you want me to “domme” you, I take that to mean you think I know better than you what you need even if only for a scene. For me BDSM is an immersive roleplay that we experience and the deeper into the role you get, the more real it feels to you. It might sound contradictory to say this is a lifestyle, but also roleplay, but please take it seriously.
Let me try and explain…
Currently I run into a number of “Femdoms” new and old to the scene that just use people. That’s what they do. That’s their goal. That’s their sole purpose in the community.
“I require escorting to this event” usually means “I don’t have a ride or car.”
“Service subs only” is a hint that says “Free labor wanted.”
“I expect to be spoiled” always is code for “Buy me things!“.
“You will obey me always” translates to “Don’t question my mistakes.”
An Amazon Wishlist on your profile, especially ones with items to furnish your home on them, screams you’re more about taking than giving/teaching/growing. You see other individuals as a means to get material, financial, [insert a tangible desire you can’t obtain on your own] things.
This is insulting to me as someone who believes in the safety and security of all involved in any play. I’ve taken countless classes on the psychology that is BDSM, attended demo’s, learned CPR, try to remain a responsible and clear leader, honed my communication styles, and researched the details in controlling and caring for another adult and beyond. In my opinion if you need someone to buy you things, drive you around, and never worry about their well being—aren’t you essentially submissive to that person and their ability to keep you afloat?
Wouldn’t this be, the technical term of topping from the bottom?
Don’t misunderstand, there’s nothing wrong with that if you’re both in agreement that’s what is happening. The instances I am referring to always include a Disposable Dominant™ . That’s what I’ve described above.
What’s a Disposable Domme™ ? And are you or have you encountered a Disposable Domme™ ?
This is a dominant who doesn’t bring much to the table skill or experience wise…
If they do there’s probably a hidden fee you’re being asked to pay. Whether that’s you buy drinks, you drive for the evening, or even if you purchase something for the evening that you may only get use out of once but they enjoy it for many times to come.
When you attempt to verify their talents you will run into subs who can no longer vouch for them or lots of “friends” who are the same type of person as they are
Wanna know where they live or at least share equal vanilla information? Probably not gonna happen.
A Disposable Domme™ doesn’t care that you want to get to know them. They don’t want to get to know you and would prefer no one get to know them. They hide behind custom latex and expensive heels. They love talking about safety but surround themselves with people who don’t play safely and fail to hold up a mirror when they do make an error in judgement. And most of all they do not like to be questioned and get frustrated when you do so.
If this sounds like a dominant you’re playing with that you’ve been feeling on the fence about, I ask that you recycle your Disposable Domme™ in hopes that they can find themselves once again in a position to become self-reflective. I know it’s a long shot but if this saves at least one submissive the time they would’ve wasted on an unsafe domme or one domme who recognizes these traits and vows to try and do better, then I’ve done all I hoped.