I always seem to find the perfect guy…when I’m already in a relationship.
Being the good person that I am I don’t cheat. No. I’ve never cheated. I’ve been cheated on but have never cheated. Instead I resort to the agonizing internal self-infliction—the “What if” game.
What if I were single?
What if I got drunk and happened to kiss him?
What if we just had phone sex?
Yes, we’ve all played that game at one point or another.
But it really is painful and unhealthy.
That’s why in 2004 I decided to never play the “What if” game ever again. I decided to become polyamorous and I haven’t regretted it….mostly.
It was a lot harder than just the decision to do so. I’ve touched on my relationship status before but over the years my conceptual ideals have shifted and moved and replaced other ideas I previously held.
I was taking this well beyond the whole “we can see other people” thing; the general casual types of relationships before getting serious. I genuinely wanted to make meaningful romantic connections with more than one person at a time and have the consent of everyone involved.
I thought I was making it easy…what guy isn’t going to like the idea of being a “part-time” boyfriend? I thought wrong.
The first attempt at poly was an epic fail. Communication was all but non-existent and we ended up hurting each other in the process of finding our way in new and unfamiliar territory.
My next attempt involved too much communication, which I never believed was possible. Not until I listened to the most descriptive and raunchy tales of my boyfriend’s sexual interludes with his other girlfriend. It was definitely T.M.I. and a more than subtle breaking point for me.
My third attempt (which I thought was a charm at the time) turned into an unwanted game of mind fuckery and cheating…yes cheating within a poly relationship can happen. It seemed ridiculous to me. Why sneak around when you need only ask/be open and honest?
I nearly threw in the towel until I met a sub who wanted to date and serve me. He seemed okay with the poly aspect at first but it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t for him, or us. Trust issues and jealousy consumed us and what was left of our tattered relationship.
Sometimes I have thought that it would be easier to not have come out as poly, to just have settled but I know I would be a different and more unhappy person for it.
My vanilla bf (bless him) has really endured and expanded his mind a lot on my behalf. I’m his first and only poly relationship. My playing with submissives or even casual dating hasn’t caused any problems we can’t talk out. And we try to remain open on all fronts.
Now I’ve met someone new. Someone who has tumbled in and out of my life for a few years but never stuck due to timing. He’s quickly starting to become important to me and I know this will also be his first poly endeavor. I don’t want to scare him but I do want to be honest with him. I am trying to outline the struggles we might encounter, the questions he might have, issues we might have overlooked…but I know it’s never enough. I know life has its own plans and curve balls to throw at us.
With him, much to my surprise, it feels different. I feel different. It’s the first time I have asked myself, What if I wanted to be with both him and my boyfriend on a more serious level?
Which lead me read more on the subject of “polyandry“. This is essentially the opposite of polygamy—it is when a woman takes on more than one husband. I’ve come to conclude that I would be very open to participating in this type of arrangement. To me, this almost seems like female domination at its core, even without the BDSM play. I would be Queen of my castle, wanting for hardly much between the two them, save for a little kinky play with a submissive play-mate every so often.
And so it seems we are giving it a trial run this summer as the new bf will be staying with us on and off, sharing our living arrangements for a few months.
All I can say is pleasing two men is definitely going to keep me on my sexual toes…a challenge I readily accept!