I recently heard this term in a vanilla setting, made as a passing ‘scoffing’ comment and it really stuck with me. Let me be honest, it struck a chord with my Femdom loins.
Why did it excite me? If I had to describe what a psychological vigilante was and why I embody it, that’s easy. To me it means ‘Someone who executes a consensual and sometimes hostile mental takeover.‘ Someone like a therapist, psychologist, coach, mentor, or even…a Mistress.
I am someone who not only studies the human brain for my career. I often need to break down that information into digestible nuggets for practical use. This is where my power of consensually worming my way into someone’s mind is second nature. My studies into the human brain started with human sexuality and has included so much more over the years. It’s still what brings me the most joy. I had a hard time coming to the realization that my play with others could only go so far, if I wasn’t given access to their mental layout.
- What you eat – toppings on your pizza, dessert first/last, how slow or fast you eat
- When you practice self care – medicine, meditation, exercise regime, free time
- What you wear – panties 24/7, discrete D/s jewelry, patterns you don’t like
- Who you can see – toxic friends, frenemies, users, prying nillas‘
- How you respond to your Mistress – with the utmost respect and proper verbiage
- Where you work – more physical vs. mental jobs, commute time, opportunities
- How you spend money – rainy day savings, proper budgeting, spoiling your Mistress
- Why you tackle personal challenges – anxiety, depression, fitness, fears
- If you will be rewarded – takeout meal, massage, movie date, play sessions
You get the idea. Is that controlling? Absolutely!
Now you may be visualizing a partner this controlling as someone who may openly castigate others, physically abusive, or making blatant ultimatums or threats. You may conjure up the image of a prickly oppressor who can’t help but belittle those they encounter for any thing and every thing, big or small. This is what most people will think of when they think of having a controlling partner
For me however, this level of control helps me as your Mistress feel like I have actual rather than perceived control in your life. This is a big difference for me between a play partner and someone in service to me. I want to take the negative concept of being part of ‘a controlling relationship’ and flip it on its head. I want to consensually ‘psychologically dominate’ and violate you in a healthy, not entirely, self serving manner.
As a vigilante in your mind, I want to hopefully wreak helpful havoc. I will use some of my favorite tools: sexual intimidation, submissive security, Mistress driven motivation playfully using shame, physical control tactics, and more.
I have no qualms that there could be some subconscious efforts to use domination and control for my partners. I don’t like the notion of of anyone struggling where I feel I have healthy methods to offer physical, emotional, social, and financial well-being. This comes in the form of Mistress creating structure and routine, monitoring your physical health. I like guiding you to effective communication and funnily enough, creating healthy boundaries, as well as financial independence.
Why am I doing this? What’s my motive here?
Because I can.
Because I am allowed to.
All my actions are consensual. I want my partner to feel as if they have a true pillar of a Goddess when with me. I want to protect them from blind spots and the consequences that could follow. I want to feed my need for dominance and celebrate someone’s weakness as a strength. All while providing a safe, consensual space for growth and learning about themselves and the world around them.
I use the above tactics consciously and sometimes unconsciously, I am merely human. I have long ago had to release my toxic illusions of control. Each step forward into a 24/7 lifestyle, I have had to learn what control is truly within my sphere. I learned how that sphere works within kink, and healthy ways to exert control in a D/s dynamic.
By doing this, I hope that my partner may also release their illusion of control. I want them to take responsibility for their own happiness through serving me. That can be from practicing the following rules and protocols in our relationship, and communicating honestly about their desires.
Of course, if you’re not the ‘psychological vigilante’ releasing the illusion of control feels terrifying. After all, control has been your way of processing and handling the world around you. Thus creating a sense of safety for yourself. Just beyond that fear however, I promise, with the right person, is a freedom unknown until you’ve had a taste. When you let go of these fruitless attempts at control, you reclaim hours of your time. If you’re lucky, you have a Mistress who will happily help fill that time.
I’ve seen this time used to return home to yourself. That could mean, focusing on career advancement, resiliency growth, improving important connections, reassessing coping mechanisms, overcoming personal challenges, and more.
CONSENT. CONSENT. CONSENT.
That seven letter word is what makes all the difference here but I don’t want to minimize the dangers and reality of being physically, psychologically, financially, or emotionally abused within the context of BDSM dynamics. Sadly, it can and does happen.
If you find that you’re in a non-consensually controlling relationship, it can be emotionally destructive and detrimental to your life. It’s important that you confront this issue and deal with the problems that can ensue. Look at the relationship and determine what parts are controlling so that you can understand what you need to do to get out of the relationship or make it healthier.
One of the ways to deal with these issues is by going to therapy with your partner. In some cases, it’s not hopeless. Maybe they’re behaving in a jealous way because they doesn’t know how to handle a relationship and could be scarred from the past. The key in this situation is that you feel fully safe and that they shows a genuine, consistent effort to change. If this is the case for you, one thing that you can do is go to couples counseling.
If you or someone you know is or may be experiencing abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, available 24/7, at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. Live chat is also available on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.