There’s no one I love more than myself.
I don’t say that to come across as an asshole, I say that because it’s the person I spend the most time with. The one whose mind I get to run rampant through and who I lie awake with each night.
Just having passed that day that promotes love is love is love (Valentine’s Day), it’s easy to forget to love yourself first and foremost.
When I first poked my head into BDSM I was a different type of person. Not different in so much as I wasn’t who I am today, just that I presented myself to the general populace as a different type of person.
I have always been a loud, life-of-the-party kind of girl. My sexplorations ranging in mild to “You did what?!” My sassy attitude was still my best weapon.
But once I decided to actually become a “Mistress” I figured I would be myself—fully. No longer would I hide my sexual conquests, semi-shamefully until I found others who wouldn’t judge me mostly because they didn’t care. No more pretending I was only vulgar because I hung around guys and not because it pleased me. And absolutely under no circumstances would I shield my sassiness from people who might not be able to handle it.
It started out with little things here and there.
The people I talked to: Open-minded folks who cared more about what type of person I was as opposed to what fashion I wore.
The secret thoughts I had: I felt “okay” wanting to dominate a man in and out of the bedroom rather than being doomed to let him lead the way through our failed relationship.
The places I went: BDSM clubs over obnoxious nightclubs filled with unworthy men grinding up on me as I tried to politely (and not so politely) decline their advances.
But all paths led here—to a Mundane to Mistress lifestyle.
When I ceased to keep the two halves of myself separate and combined the two it was like the Universe sighed in relief with me…Finally, what took you so long???
It’s been years now since I’ve had to keep up a facade that was as uncomfortable for me as wearing a too-tight wool sweater. I have a career where I can be myself. If clients want to know what I’m about sexually they most likely aren’t going to cringe when I mention the four-letters BDSM. If I want to wear my piercings or show cleavage around my general workday no one bats an eye…unless it’s to take a gander. And when someone makes a crass joke I can laugh out loud because everyone else is around me is doing so as well.
No more hiding.
I just realized today that this is one of the most fulfilled periods in my life. My life philosophy over time has turned from “Just try to please everyone” to “I am who I am, and fuck the rest'”. That’s not to say I don’t care what others think. Of course I do, it’s human nature to want to be accepted, to need to be liked and cared for. I’ve just realize not to attach too much feeling on others’ negative opinions about me, if I feel it’s overly judgmental or non-constructive.
I don’t have to settle for people who I can show some of myself to but not the rest, oh no. I make it a point to surround myself with people who can accept all facets of my personality and most often than not, cheer for me from the sidelines of life just as I do for them. It’s taken time to find the perfect circle of friends and associates but the hard work and scrutiny has certainly paid off.
My transition from mundane to Mistress has changed my life in so many ways and I don’t think I could go back even if I tried.
For now, this is where I want to be and this is who I want to be, and it feels good to just be able to be me.