There is a phenomenon that I have noticed within the BDSM community that I cannot stay quiet about any longer. It’s something that makes me stick out like a sore thumb at events, on websites, and even among fellow kinksters.
I’ve noticed that I rarely come across black Dommes and even rarer are the black submissives.
My mother raised me to not judge others by the color of their skins. She’d often say, “I don’t care if you have a friend who is blue, if they treat you nice that’s all that matters.” I have tried to live by this and like to think that my dating record shows that, it looks much like a United Benton ad campaign.
But when I stepped into the BDSM realm six years ago I realized I was a scarce minority. For the most part this has not been a problem. But on occasion it has been brought to my attention in a polite (and not so polite) way.
The few black Dommes that I do know are older…much older, most of them over 40.
It made me wonder why is there such a lack of minority within this community?
I have my theories. One being that many of the black people I have encountered are quite religious. They aim to be a righteous folk, failing in many of the same areas of other religious people regardless of color, but they try none the less. I believe a lot of what BDSM has to offer would be looked upon as “heathen acts” or just down right sinning. There may also be some negative connotations about being “submissive” or a “slave” tied to BDSM due to their historical notions. And I do notice that black males are more apt to joining up with the scene. Not to mention the undaunted fact that many black people I know are un-accepting of something that is new, different, or strange. If it falls into any of those categories it can stay outside, in the streets, where it belongs.
I’ve gotten from a few black friends the rudely asked question: “What’s wrong with you?” As if to say: You seemed normal growing up.
It’s not even a question, since I don’t believe they sincerely care about my answer. It’s moreso a statement of incredulous disbelief that they shared string cheese with moi, this now crazy bitch. They let this leather clad monster in their home. Heck, they even told this whip wielding sex fiend some of their secrets. But mostly, I think they feel dirty when they ask this. They wonder how could they have ever considered me a friend?
I always assure them that there isn’t anything wrong with me, that I am very physically and mentally sound and that this is something that I am choosing to do. But their wide eye, sideways glances tell me they think I am most definitely, not okay, and that I do have a few screws loose.
Then the next statement is what makes me want to groin kick some people.
“Oh, it must be a white thing.” I hate this!
Why does something that doesn’t make sense have to be tied to a certain race? Why can’t it just be a “human thing” that they are too personally dense to grasp? The racial comments tied to my involvement with BDSM will not fade anytime soon I’m sure but I just wanted to make others aware that it is an issue. I like to believe that education and explanation is really the best policy for informing the general populace.
Submerging into BDSM has not always been an easy path to take. I’ve weeded out the close-minded minions that I knew, tried to remain ambiguous in my sexual desires, and generally stopped giving a fuck what people thought but at times it still irks me that things are the way that they are.
So did I see you and your sub on the Metro Blue line yesterday? Your sub had your luggage.
In my experience, we're all considered weirdos no matter which race is calling us that. The unbelievable misunderstanding and just plain ignorance on the part of the vanilla crowd is the reason I have only confided in my wife of my interests, and nobody else in my life knows (not counting cyber friends).
Hi Lady L,
Just wanted to say hi. I"m not sure that you got our new site info.
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse
in traditional BDSM, I can not speak as to why it appears to be mostly Asian and Caucasian. From the web-sites I crossed paths with, that is what it seems to me too. I am sorry you have to feel that way. If it is any consolation, I do also see quite a bit of Latin, which strictly speaking is a mix of Indian, African, and western European. Latin women are kind of known for being dominant and a home where the wife is in control is very common in those cultures.
atenletter: I don't ride the Metro…I like to have my sub handcuffed on car rides =) And P.S. I really enjoy your photography, keep it up!
little shaun: Yes, generally speaking anyone not doing "vanilla" things are weirdos but I have found that as a specific, non-whites seem to be more accepting of that. Makes me wonder what kinds of environments make for that thinking…
Scott: I certainly did find your new site. I'll be reading as usual! Sorry to see you leave Blogger…
Sub-Hub: I noticed the Latin prominence as well…but let me tell you, us Black women are just as sassy! This is a great outlet for all that mouth we have haha so I thought I'd see more. Oh well. I enjoy people no matter what race, I just found this ongoing issue noticable.
I don't know what it is about the race thing. It feels good when we are all together. Walls coming down as our clothes come off.
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse
Great post and a question I have always wondered myself…While we see blacks in swinging on occasion, we mostly see black men, sometimes but rarely black women and in the bdsm scene there are few blacks of either sex involved…..but more black women than black men.. when I have seen them. I was at a club in NYC once and there was a hot white girl literally beating a handsome young black guy..I mean punching and kicking him…nothing sensual.. but he looked very turned on and she was obviously enjoying their scene.. I have never seen one like it before or since with any race. they were both clothed….it was strange to watch, and I can not say why….it just was….again an interesting post….
Hi Lady, I am a Mexican American from Southern California. Yes it feels lonely to be the only sub or domme (I have been both actively in my young life)at a place who is Mexicano.
I too have heard its a white thing. Being Gueor (fair skinned) I have heard some ignorant and ugly things about my gente from white people in the scene too!
But most people in the scene are good and kind and supportive, so in the end I do not care about the outsiders, frustrating as they can be at times.
Peace and happiness to you!
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