Life’s been busy and honestly I have been trying to put my gripes on the back burner but it has been hard.
In the last entry I received some very thought provoking comments. One in particular from Ferns really caught my attention.
She stated: “Another thought… I see that he said he didn’t want ‘BDSM’ anymore, but did you ever define with him what that meant to him…maybe the submission is too much for him, but the play is not.”
I received this message straight to my blackberry at about 3am and I couldn’t stop asking myself the same question with hidden hope…perhaps there was something I was missing about his definitive statement.
So I asked him in the middle of another discussion, “When you said you couldn’t do BDSM with me anymore did you mean with just me? The bedroom BDSM stuff? Outside of the bedroom stuff or just in general?”
He started shaking his head and said, “No I can’t do any of it and it’s not just you, I mean ever.”
“You even mean the biting, scratching, slapping, pinching…all of that too?” I said in nearly a whisper.
“Yes all of it, I can’t do any of it. I’m sorry,” he replied.
I was crestfallen all over again. After this talk I haven’t been able to get out of my head trying to figure out how a person who begged for my spit in his mouth, my hand across his face, my teeth on his thighs less than 30 days ago could be saying these words?
Where did the desire for these go…where did the need go?
With the recent news I’ve been trying to take my role as a just a girlfriend carefully. I have a naturally dominant personality but I am delicate with how I ask and answer questions. I’ve also noticed that I am slightly afraid to be myself in a small sense. I have not said when I am unhappy with things inside the bedroom, outside the bedroom, giving my opinions, or taking charge in general. I am fearful that he will interpret any of this as me trying to “sneak BDSM in under the radar”.
I don’t want to be disrespectful to him but when he told me last week after I did state some minor complaints about this relationship, all he said was, “This is just me.”
I was thinking the same thing…this is just me too.