A couple of weekends ago, I taught at the popular kinky weekend-long, true, complete hotel takeover, Winter Fire. My marker for the “success” of an event I attend is normally:
- Did I try something new or help someone have a new/unique experience?
- Did I learn something new?
- Did I reignite a new (or old) love of a kink?
- Did I meet new people?
- Did I discover something new about myself?
With those in mind, the event was a total success!
- I got to co-top my kitty for his first rope suspension, see his first vacbed demo, and pushed his objectification training in a new way.
- I learned so much new stuff about latex that I can’t wait to put to use.
- I am falling very much back in love with floggers! So much so I’ll be attending a local class tonight.
- I met loads of new faces and made some awesome connections that I hope flourish this year.
- I discovered I have been ignoring a obvious fetish of mine…which leads me to this blog entry.
I have denied (ignored?) that I have a total Ownership fetish. What’s that mean?
To start when I first discovered kink, I was studying many different types of kinksters. They ran the gamut from play partners, to pro-sessions, but there was a common thread amongst them – they were very committed to one another. That commitment wasn’t hard to see in a lot of the extreme, intense, edge play I watched and noted from the sidelines. I knew even from the beginning of my journey that you didn’t need to “own” someone to feel fulfilled in the dynamic or play, but fuck if it didn’t seem hotter when you did.
Understanding ‘ownership’
There were no two ways about it, someday, I wanted to “OWN” someone – whatever that looked like to me. Does anyone remember the slave registry of old internet times? The one where you could print out the certificate? I often had long term play partner subs register there to show their intent. Because, even that limited expression of virtual ownership really excited me. The economic relation of sexual ownership to someone else’s sexually owned body is a great expedient toward my goal.
When talking about being “owned”, most commonly, this is a relationship that is associated with that of an Owner (the Dominant) and bottom (the s-type), but this isn’t always the case. As with everything else in a D/s relationship, the definition and terms of ownership are communicated and negotiated depending on ideology.
The reasons why a D/s partnership can involve terms of ownership can range from wanting to celebrate your connection to just finding the commitment and dedication to each other really erotic and enticing. Ownership can come in the form of mere words, actions, or more materialistic things like collars or gifts. Each of the boys wear collars 90% of the time in the Queendom and go into the vanilla world with discrete pieces of jewelry honoring our relationship. They are only allowed to refer to their body and genitals as “Mistress’s property”. When I want to amp things up when playing with my boy-toys I’ll say phrases like…
“You’re mine.”
“You belong to me.”
“You are my object to use however I like.”
I get off on with this type of ‘Ownership play’. I lust to tell someone that I own them and treat them as a piece of property in my possession. In my mind things you own you can play with whenever you want, you can lend it to other people and you can as rough or tender as desired, as long as you’re able to do the work to not “break” said possession.
A kinky commitment
Some people will come to this agreement quickly and others take time to talk about it and decide how they feel and what they want. Many of my close kinky friends are baffled why I’ve married Puppy after over 70-weeks of training, 8 years together, and still not collared him. They’ve poked me repeatedly on if I am going ever own him or kitty who is 24-weeks into his own training.
It goes without saying, but I’ll remind you, there should never be any “rush” involved. If anyone is pressuring you to commit to them in a way you aren’t comfortable with, they may be showing some of the signs of a toxic personality traits. If your friends are like mine, stick to your gut. There’s a reason the unaffectionate term, Velcro collar exist within our community.
The truth is. I’m not ready.
As unusual as that sounds, I’m not ready to collar either of the boys and it’s for a combination of reasons. I have high standards for one thing and there are goal-posts I haven’t reached yet within these dynamics or individually that make me feel ready. I know the boys feel differently because we’ve had quite a few candid, deep conversations on what ownership means to each of us. Thus far, we are still all committed to getting there – whatever that takes.
More than pride and devotion
For myself as a Dominant, ownership starts with pride. Owning a submissive (particularly a submissive that you desire) can be such a prideful thing. This beautiful, dutiful, (in your eyes) perfect submissive has decided to give you the most precious aspects of themselves someone could give – their obedience and loyalty. Being gifted someone’s submission can be a huge point of pride, especially when it comes to showing acts of ownership.
It’s deeper than that for me because I feel prideful whenever I have my boys on the end of my leash.
There’s a lot to be said about any kind of D/s relationship, as they can all be quite intense given the high emotions and arousal levels that come from D/s play. However, there is something quite specific to be said about deciding that you own someone or someone owns you. It’s often symbolized with a collar. Collars are a staple in the BDSM community, symbolically and figuratively. It is the submissive “badge” that is worn proudly. There are times when it may be the only thing that a submissive wears, at all. Ownership can be a form of “taking your dynamic to the next level.” I am more nervous about collaring and owning someone than I was about getting married!
For me Ownership must include these things:
- Engaged in an 24/7 dynamic with me – this means also residing in the Queendom
- Relinquishing an extreme amount of control and power to me over your life
- Completing training to above a satisfactory level (80 weeks is my minimum threshold)
- Agreeing to certain terms of contractual ownership – being tattooed or pierced is one of those
- Unwavering conviction from myself that I feel ready to move into that realm of responsibility
That’s not to say that a D/s relationship is infallible and that a collar is never taken or given back, but it does mean that a collar is more than just a fashion statement in the BDSM world. It means that there is a partnership full of dedication and allegiance. It means there’s deeper significance than a status symbol. And it also means that deliberation and contemplation have been given to arrive at the place of Ownership and collaring. But like marriage or moving in together, things get a little trickier to sort out if you’re committed to an ownership arrangement already. And so I want to be sure.
Ownership, to me, is an intricate act. It signifies a pledge of longevity and devotion. Among countless other attributes, a Dominant is assuring guidance and protection. A submissive is vowing loyalty and servitude. Together they promise themselves to each other – but I realize I could be adding my own stresses to it (hi, I’m Type-A). Deciding if you want to take this (or any other significant step) in any relationship is a big deal while at the same time something that should happen naturally.
I’m not saying becoming someone’s owned “property” or owning someone should be natural or effortless or easy – but it can’t be forced, either. This year I’m going to remind myself that ultimately, these conversations will take some time and communication from everyone involved to determine the best way to move forward in our dynamic.
And it’s not like the boys can really go anywhere…I’ve still got a firm grip on their leashes!