I was raised essentially as an only child in mindset and environment.
I have been wanting to write about this a lot more lately but haven’t been sure on where to start. The past few years have been extremely eye-opening, self aware and hopefully filled with opportunities to grow both inside and outside of the dungeon.
So let’s take a more introspective look…
- I wasn’t raised to share on a daily basis
- I never had to negotiate to get something I wanted
- I wasn’t keeping tabs on my sibling to ensure we were treated fairly
- And the cherry on top…I was a totally spoiled child
I was spoiled…but I wasn’t spoiled rotten. I had manners, and still like to think I do. I’ve talked about this before here and here. I just don’t like to share. There’s no two ways around it. As someone who has dated three male partners at once: one completely vanilla, one my submissive, and another who identified as their own version of “polyamorous” I am aware that I currently identify as polyandrous-leaning and that frankly, I don’t want to share.
I know what some of you are thinking, ‘But Natali you identify as poly, you have to share.” *Cue the whiny violin music*
I do “have” to share but that doesn’t mean I have to always like it.
It means I need to respect the position I’ve placed myself in. I only share because I am such a stickler for being balanced (not fair, balanced) that I feel I literally cannot voice opposition in this area without sounding like a spoiled rotten brat. It doesn’t come from a place of hidden insecurities, nor an unrealistic idealism that I ‘deserve’ it, or even something as simple as I’m in charge and so I want to make the rules – I simply love to be the only Queen in my partners’ lives. I am a big personality with a large and complex daily world. I would alter this aspect of my way of life if I could, but I have honestly struggled with sharing my partners with others on a long-term, ongoing, emotionally invested basis.
Want my guy for the night? A scene? Two scenes? Once a year? For a special occasions? Please, let me help. Otherwise, it may cause some emotional turmoil within me and I can admit that readily. It doesn’t mean I can’t do it, I am merely stating a preference, which will not take away from your own preference in any way.
I wasn’t sure what it meant when I started to identify as polyandrous, which is described as the state or practice of having more than one male mate at one time while the males are solely devoted to the one female. It wasn’t my reality. It was not what I had been actually practicing on a day-to-day basis. I had to keep reminding myself I have been practicing polyamory. And that’s okay as long as I feel I am still growing and learning and all relationships are beneficial to me.
Right now there is an internal, ego-based struggle plaguing me in ebbs and flows that throws a fit at the notion of having to share any of my partners, despite them all sharing me with each other. I’ve had partners who would like to involve other (females) in scenes at events we attend, partners who would like more freedom in being sensual with others (females), and I am sure other partners who wouldn’t hate to have someone else (females) they could be intimate with if it were easier to obtain. I always say poly (as a general concept) is a dry and hard pill to swallow and even harder to practice because it magnifies all the things you’ve been keeping pretty well hidden. It pulls the hammer back on literal triggers and fires them off into the distance future of your relationships. It will grind away at you in the back of your mind and pose questions you never thought you would have to ask yourself.
Under the ‘poly’ umbrella in my life I must share my time, my energy, my private thoughts/feelings at times, my money, my friends, my experiences, my location, my plans for the future, my reflections from the past, my ‘space’ (external and internal) and so much of myself. I share much more than I am sometimes comfortable with all because I choose to participate in a poly based lifestyle, it comes with the territory. However sharing isn’t always caring, especially when it doesn’t come naturally to you.
I’ve always said part of the appeal of BDSM to me was the intricate dance of illusion the participants put on to play a role that compliments each other. Maybe I’ve just stopped being entranced by this illusion and realized there’s more that I’ll need to explore to fully understand myself and those I hold relationships with. Beyond that, there’s the ideology of the female led relationships that is often practiced and integrated into my ever-present current mindset and life philosophy. Even if I’m not polyamorous anymore I’m still polyandrous-practicing and at the end of the day the base of both of them are in sharing or at least a hell of a lot of compromising.
I will continue to do all I can to learn to empathize with sharing, compromising and the struggles that presents or I will never succeed in any poly at all…