I don’t like jokes like this but I do love to laugh. Despite my best efforts, I am a giggler. It doesn’t matter how intense a scene or my hands-on play gets, I can cackle at whatever reaction I am getting from my partner if it delights me. The louder, more vocal and expressive they are the more top-spacey and into it I get.
Two years ago I wasn’t aware of just how much I enjoy reactions from those I engage with. I’m a “Femdom” I don’t giggle. I don’t care about my partner’s reactions, it’s all about “Me”. Right?
Yes and no.
It is ‘all about me’ but I’ve been taking that on a much more surface level than I probably should’ve been in recent years. I have been narrowly focused on my pleasure without inspecting its source more closely. Let me explain…
You’re masturbating with a toy, it feels good. The source of the pleasure on the surface is the toy.
You’re kissing someone and their lips feel soft and supple against yours. The source of the pleasure on the surface is the other person’s kiss.
You are being intimate with someone and it feels good. The source of the pleasure on the surface it’s the uniqueness of the person you are with.
What happens when the pleasure lasts for an extended sustained period during an occurrence that you have time to focus on it more? You’re able to go beyond the initial surface source. Take my examples above: Is it really the toy? No. It’s the toy’s texture, vibration, size, and other features, or even the way it’s capable of being manipulated in a way to form pleasure. The kiss? Everyone has lips. It’s these lips that feel like a match, maybe they’re plump, or just softer than you’re use to, maybe they taste of lipstick and it draws your breath away. And the person who is bringing you to ecstacy? It’s not just them. It’s all they bring with them, their touch, attention to certain areas, the smell of their natural scent, a new breathing pattern. All of this makes it much more than you might initially think is turning you on.
I’ve spent a lot of years feeling fleeting yet powerful and slightly habit-forming brief encounters of pleasure from various partners. The short-sighted surface pleasure, was always hit or miss. I didn’t realize it could be much more than just physical. I foolishly thought it was just the person, just the act, just the toy. I didn’t receive the type of sensory overloading, elongated, essence touching, pleasure that has given me time to post-coitous analyze, why it now feels so much deeper than the surface. I can happily attribute this sexual and inner enlightenment to my very patient and special partner The Gardner. It has been with his insight, naturally explorative nature, and sensual manner that I have had the opportunity to actually enjoy pleasure on a different, sometimes richer, level. Now that I can more accurately identify the ‘Whys‘ and ‘Hows‘ of my own pleasure as viewed through his senses, I can better appreciate my own. And in return I have come to realize whether giving or receiving, I most get off on reactions. It’s an extension of my dominance in some situations, as I am “forcing” you to react how I desire.
For years now, my goals have included inflicting pain, anguish, fear, and sensory deprivation. I’ve been chasing reactions to the extreme spectrum of sexual arousal through sadism. On one end are all the fellow sadists whipping, thumping, choking, kicking, waterboarding, tear-inducing, grabbing and using physically exhausting but powerful tactics to get a reaction for arousal. The Gardner I have come to learn, is on the other side of the kink rainbow. We are both hyper thinkers who have a plan and plans to plan more, so if we’re sharing a moment with you, it is very intentional and whole. We will insulate you at times with our intentions. He is a sensualist. He craves giving and receiving reactions just as much as I do, though he uses different means to achieve it. His way involves more light touching, precision pinpointing pressure, verbal cues, and heavy eye contact. Just as there is usually no running from what I am doing to you (literally), there is no escaping the cascading wave of mental and physical sensualism he brings to the experience. Together it has been a playful and endless tug of sensory war that I am grateful to explore even more with him and within myself.
But what does happen when a sadist and a sensualist walk into a bar? They probably spend half the night eye fucking each other before approaching with a clever but very intentional compliment, from there they would leave holding hands, creating a growing lustful, conscious bubble that would be bursting at the seams with extensive mental foreplay before finally keeping every hinted promise made throughout the night.
Simply put: The bar would be raised after their encounter.