I’ve nicknamed my breasts “Thelma & Louise” (bet you can’t guess which is which!) because these girls are always getting me in trouble. When I first started to “develop” I was big into sports and soccer was a favorite of mine. I was the short, wide-shouldered girl who played defense and was nicknamed “The Wall”. I loved soccer, it was one of the few sports I felt that my height gave me an advantage.
But when T&L started making their debut I felt really self-conscious about running because of all the…er…movement that was involved. We won one game entirely due to the fact that the boy who was the opposing team’s star player and forward couldn’t stop staring at T&L whenever he got near our goal. His Mother actually crossed the field to tell my Mother that I needed a better, less distracting bra.
The first airplane trip I took, I was young and flying alone. A man walked over to me, to which I now describe as the wolf in those old Looney Tune cartoons with his tongue wagging and eyes bulging. I was naive (yes, there was such a time) and didn’t think much of his demeanor.
“Are the puppies okay?” he asked with a slight smirk. I thought of my cat back home. “What puppies?” I asked genuinely. “The two puppies fighting under your shirt,” he replied with a perverted grin.
My first year of college I won first place in a local wet t-shirt contest that resulted in pictures being photocopied and pasted in my dorm hall. I was a campus celebrity.
I went home this month to help my Mom with aftercare from her breast reduction surgery. I never feel as if my breasts are uncomfortable, though they do get in the way at times. Know the last time I saw my feet as I walked down stairs?
My sister is much larger than I am. She refuses to find out her proper size but if I had to guess I’d say she’s an “H”. My Mom wasn’t sad to see her breasts go, she jokingly said she’s too old to need them anymore but it got me thinking…
What would I do without T&L?
I’ve been told I have child-birthing hips, my legs are short, my feet are wide, and my shoulders are broad. I am anything but the “typical” woman. My breasts are my favorite assets just ahead of my lips. They’ve gotten me free drinks, funny questions, trips around the world, a boat (don’t ask), reduced college tuition, second and third glances, warnings instead of speeding tickets, special treatment…the works. Not to mention, I fill out a mean corset!
The doctor who did my Mom’s work asked if I was next, to which I answered, “You wish you could get a glimpse of these babies!” and shimmied in his direction.
Thelma and Louise get me in trouble but I wouldn’t have it any other way.