For years, I thought My need to be in control in BDSM was purely about preference and personality. I have always been strong-willed and not quiet about My feelings (unsurprisingly!). It wasn’t until I started therapy in My early 20’s that I realized how much My childhood shaped this dynamic. Growing up in a emotionally repressed household where I often had to be the ‘voice of reason,’ mediating adult dynamics while my parents struggled to emotionally connect to each other and Me, is where I learned that control meant safety.
The concept of the “inner child“, that part of ourselves that holds our earliest experiences, needs, and emotional patterns intersects with BDSM and kink in complex ways that deserve thoughtful exploration. Understanding this intersection can lead to deeper self-awareness, healthier dynamics, and more authentic relationships within the kink community.
Waa-waa-what?
We all have an inner-child. Your inner child represents the emotional, vulnerable parts of yourself that were formed in early experiences. These aspects don’t disappear in adulthood; they influence how we seek connection, handle vulnerability, and navigate power dynamics. Our inner child which is always free, happy and joyful and we’re still them, we’ve just covered it over with adult over-thinking, patterns and beliefs. Adults care more about maintaining their image instead of being free to be themselves, which is what our inner child really desires.
In BDSM contexts, these patterns can manifest in both healing and potentially problematic ways.
There’s an important distinction between consciously integrating inner child work into your kink practice and unconsciously reenacting childhood trauma or unmet needs.
Integration vs. Reenactment
Integration is crucial in inner child work because it allows you to acknowledge and heal childhood wounds while maintaining adult agency and decision-making capacity (such as negotiating a scene or dynamic!). Without integration, you might either completely suppress your inner child’s needs (leading to emotional numbness and disconnection) or become overwhelmed by childhood emotions and reactions that aren’t appropriate for adult situations. True healing happens when you can access the creativity, wonder, and authentic emotions of your inner child while using your adult wisdom to create safety, set boundaries, and make conscious choices about how to express and meet those needs.
Healthy integration might look like:
- Using Age play, Caregiver, or “Ownership” dynamics to explore nurturing and being nurtured in a safe, consensual adult context
- This is where I have explored the Mommy Domme aspects of Myself
- Recognizing when your reactions stem from past experiences and communicating this with partners
- Certain words, phrases, or even gestures have triggered unintentional responses within Me
- Creating spaces where your playful, curious, or vulnerable sides can emerge safely
- Using kink as a conscious tool for healing and growth
Unconscious reenactment might involve:
- Seeking BDSM experiences to fill childhood voids without awareness or processing
- For Me, I like overseeing others as I know what it’s like to be given too much responsibility when you are unable to manage it
- Difficulty maintaining adult agency and communication during scenes
- Remember those words/phrases that triggered Me? Make it a mission to discover yours so you can vocalize them to others
- Using submission or Dominance to avoid dealing with underlying emotional needs
- This is something I see all too frequently within our community
- Recreating unhealthy power dynamics from your past without conscious choice
Take a long hard look at your patterns
Self-awareness is crucial for inner child work because it allows individuals to recognize and understand their emotional triggers and patterns rooted in childhood experiences.
By cultivating self-awareness, one can identify unmet needs and unresolved feelings, facilitating healing and fostering a compassionate relationship with your inner child. This process promotes growth, self-acceptance, and ultimately leads to greater emotional well-being and healthier BDSM connections. Consider reflecting on questions like:
- What draws you to specific dynamics or roles?
- Do you find yourself consistently attracted to partners and playmates who remind you of early caregivers?
- How do you handle vulnerability and emotional intimacy?
- Are you seeking healing through your kink, or avoiding necessary emotional work?
Getting the answers to these questions could be the catalyst to the type of dynamics you’re seeking.
Beyond the baby talk
When inner child aspects are present in your kink life, communication becomes even more essential. This includes:
Before scenes:
- Discussing any childhood experiences that might affect your reactions
- Establishing clear boundaries around what feels healing versus retraumatizing
- Creating signals for when you need to step back into full adult communication
During scenes:
- Maintaining some level of adult awareness even in regressed states
- Having agreed-upon ways to check in with each other
- Respecting when someone needs to pause or stop
After scenes:
- Processing experiences together
- Distinguishing between scene emotions and deeper personal work
- Supporting each other’s unique integration process
If you’re exploring the intersection of inner child work and BDSM, consider working with:
- Kink-aware therapists/counselors who understand both trauma and consensual power exchange
- Support groups for people processing childhood experiences, no this doesn’t mean munches
- Mentors in the kink community who can offer guidance on healthy practices, with heavy emphasis on the vetting of said mentors
Several patterns can be problematic when inner child aspects aren’t consciously addressed such as the caregiver trap, the perpetual child state, and confusion within boundary setting. Each of these requires genuine vulnerability that requires different kinds of care and attention. Kink is one tool among many for personal growth, not a substitute for other forms of healing.
YMMV
In My early days as a Dominant, I was unconsciously recreating that childhood pattern – taking care of everyone, anticipating their needs, feeling responsible for their emotional well-being even outside of scenes. I was exhausted and resentful, though I couldn’t articulate why. The breakthrough came when My therapist helped Me recognize that My inner child was still trying to create the emotionally safe environment She never had.
Now, My Dominance comes from a different place. I still love taking control and caring for My submissives, but I do it from adult choice rather than childhood compulsion. I’ve learned to recognize when My inner child is activated, usually when I feel overly responsible for someone’s happiness or when I struggle to receive care from others. I’ve also discovered that sometimes, even as a Dominant, I need to let My playful, silly side emerge. Shout-out to those who have seen Me in scenes, laughing, being silly, and amusing Myself through consensual torture. Some of my most meaningful scenes now include moments of genuine belly laughing and lightness that I never allowed Myself before. My relationships are deeper because I’m bringing My whole self to them, not just the hyper-responsible caretaker Femdom My childhood created.
The “gift” of integration
When approached consciously, integrating inner child awareness into your kink life can offer profound gifts: deeper intimacy, healing of old wounds, reclamation of joy and play, and the experience of being fully seen and accepted. The key is approaching this work with awareness, support, and respect for the complexity of human psychology.
Remember that this work is ongoing. Your relationship with your inner child and how it shows up in your kink life will evolve as you grow and heal. Be patient with yourself, seek support when needed, and trust your own wisdom about what feels healing versus harmful.
The intersection of inner child work and BDSM isn’t about returning to childhood – it’s about integrating all parts of yourself into a conscious, adult life where you can experience the full spectrum of human connection and healing.
If you’re working through childhood trauma or complex emotional patterns, please consider working with qualified mental health professionals alongside your personal exploration. This blog post is for informational purposes and doesn’t replace professional therapeutic support.