I am be ranting but follow me…
Ever since I was a kid, I hated my name. Genuinely distasted being called it. My parents thought it would a great idea to combine their two names (I see you other Black families!). In theory this can work, in practice it usually ends up feeling forced.
I was “forced” to carry a name that really wasn’t my own. It was theirs. My Mother and I actually have nearly the same name. My birth name made me feel like I couldn’t “be myself” – what did that mean? Little me didn’t know, but I knew I didn’t like how it felt. I answered to it begrudgingly. I fantasized about changing my name to anything, often from influences in my life.
Claudia from The Babysitters Club may have had no idea how much I used that name at my summer camp
Esmeraude of Sailor Moon often swayed my name-calling roleplays
Adrian from The Crush sounded dreamy (but was terrifying!)
Thankfully my family often called me by my childhood nickname, a shortened version of my name. But, this discomfort with my name followed me through my school years, into college where many of my various friend groups had nicknames for me that suited me better than my given one.
Moving cross country was exactly the change of scenery I needed to take the leap; I decided to legally change my name. My family did not take it well.
“But, WE gave you that name!” was the most-repeated (and ignored!) rebuttal to my personal reasons for making the decision and change as an adult. I would’ve cared more if I wasn’t experiencing the most elusive feelings of liberation that I’d known.
What’s in a name?
Names and titles hold significant importance in shaping identities, particularly within alternative BDSM and kinky lifestyles. These identifiers go beyond mere labels; they are integral to the expression of self, roles, and relationships within the community. When I first entered the community, I didn’t go by d20domme. No, I was fairly traditional and just known as “Miss [Insert one letter]” but after awhile, even that didn’t feel like it represented who I was and what I wanted to be, so over a decade ago, I made the decision to change my FetLife and scene name. For those who may not understand the significant of having a name you don’t cringe or roll your eyes when hearing (as I do when my family refuses to use my twice legally changed name), here are some reason names are important inside and outside of kink:
1. Affirmation of identity
Names affirm your identity because they serve as a unique identifier, distinguishing you from others and giving you a sense of individuality. In the BDSM community, names and titles often serve as a form of self-affirmation. Individuals choose names that resonate with their personal identities and roles within the lifestyle. For example, a submissive might adopt a name that signifies their surrender, while a dominant might choose a title that reflects their authority. This choice is a powerful assertion of their true self and the dynamics they engage in. Being called by your preferred name reinforces your sense of self and belonging, affirming your existence and importance within social contexts.
2. Establishing Roles and Dynamics
Titles such as “Mommy,” “Mistress,” “Sir,” or “Princess” are more than honorifics; they delineate specific roles and dynamics within BDSM relationships. These titles provide clarity and structure, helping both parties, and sometimes unknown parties, understand and respect the boundaries and expectations inherent in their roles. They serve as a constant reminder of the agreed-upon dynamics and the power exchange involved. In the vanilla world I am irked when my title of ‘PhD’ is dropped because I worked hard for those letters and would like to feel seen and respected when in professional settings.
3. Creating Safe Spaces
Names and titles contribute to the creation of safe and consensual spaces within the community. By adopting and using chosen names and titles, individuals respect each other’s identities, interests, and roles. Just look at my name, it pays homage to my love for games, the use of my favorite kink item, and my role. This mutual respect fosters a sense of belonging and acceptance, which is necessary for the psychological safety of all participants.
4. Empowerment and Agency
Choosing your own name is empowering because it allows you to define and express your identity on your own terms. It gives you control over how you are perceived and recognized, fostering a sense of autonomy and personal authenticity. This feels even more crucial when choosing one’s name or title in the BDSM community as an act of empowerment. It allows individuals to assert control over how they are perceived and addressed. This autonomy is particularly significant for those who may have felt marginalized or misunderstood in other areas of their lives. The power to name oneself can be a profound statement of agency and self-determination, just ask me!
5. Enhancing Communication
Names enhance communication by providing a clear and specific way to address and refer to individuals, which helps to avoid confusion and facilitates more personal and direct interactions. Clear and consistent use of names and titles enhances communication within the kinky community. It helps avoid misunderstandings and ensures that everyone involved is on the same page regarding roles and expectations. Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and in BDSM, or kinky setting. It is vital for maintaining trust and consent. Saying someone’s name make you uncomfortable or break a D/s dynamic protocol you have? Just request to call them by the first letter.
6. Cultural and Historical Significance
The use of names and titles in BDSM also draws from cultural and historical traditions. These practices can evoke a sense of ritual and continuity, linking contemporary BDSM practices to broader historical contexts of power dynamics and role-play. This connection to tradition can enrich the experience and provide a deeper sense of purpose and meaning. Many kinksters choose names and titles that have meaning and D/s relationship context or even create their own special ones.
dee-twenty-dom
Names and titles are not merely superficial labels in the BDSM and kinky lifestyle community. They are powerful tools for expressing identity, establishing roles, creating safe spaces, and enhancing communication. This is one of the many reasons it vexes me when organizations, groups, parties, or individuals can’t be bothered to correctly and grammatically spell my name as d20domme, d-20-domme. That’s lowercase ‘d’, twenty said out (not two-oh), and keep the ‘d’ in domme lower cased. Maybe one day I will have the energy to explain why my name is spelled and formatted that way, but I’ve said enough today.
By understanding and respecting the importance of these identifiers, individuals can foster more meaningful and respectful interactions in BDSM settings (or vanilla ones!). Acknowledge the significance of names and titles, individuals in the BDSM community and better appreciate the depth and richness of others identities and relationships, because I bet you’re attached to your name too.