For some people, it’s flattering to be admired and imitated. Some of the most famous celebrities have their style, copied from one project to the next, and the kinky community is no different.
For others like myself, being copied can often feel like identity theft.
Just as you reading this, I am a unique person.
When I see someone blatantly online, in person, at work, within my friend group, etc. start to dress, talk, attend the same events, join the same groups, and try to style themselves like me, it feels like the other person is trying to rob me of what makes me, me. I believe although initially flattering, this compulsion to imitate can feel aggressive. If you scratch the surface, it feels like an insidious kind of envy; especially in the worst case scenario: That the other person not only wants to imitate you, but replace you, too. Which I’ve seen attempted in previous polyamory dynamics I was a part of.
Imitation ≠ highest form of flattery
This has been happening to me all my life. And I recognize that as a public facing kinkster and presenter, there will be elements of my self expression that resonate with others. I’m counting on it. That’s how I craft my classes and workshops, to ease into familiarity for greater personal knowledge expansion. I show my true self in the hopes that it will stir something in others to build upon their own true selves from within. It’s a process and you will only cheat yourself when you attempt to skip the steps of self discovery and set your sights on imitation.
It’s not always nefarious. Positive copying is fairly commonplace, and it can be quite flattering. In these cases, you won’t feel harmed or threatened by this copying, though it may get a bit awkward every now and then. A positive copycat may:
- Ask you where you got an outfit they love and then buy it – but just for one outfit
- Look up to your work ethic and attempt to take pointers from you
- Mirror your body language in an effort to be friendly or get to know you
- Attempt to get on your good side by doing similar things to you
- Openly say they are copying a minor aspect about you
- Buy a product that you have recommended or spoken highly of
These are all nice enough with good intentions and often, you are made aware of the intentions.
If you think about it, from an early age, we all learn through various sources. At times, we learned through imitation and other times experimentation. In the absence of any other information, humans tend to estimate the value of something by being aware of the demand for it. This is basic economics. I could delve even deeper to look at our brain and how it works, especially in a group (ancestors, family bond, a community, an organization). But to keep things simple, let’s see why someone might feel the need to imitate/negatively copy.
The negative copycat
If you have achieved a great deal in life, you will meet many people who praise, admire, and recognize you. However, you will also meet copycats who have no idea of their own potential. Their objective is to copy your ideas, devalue your achievements and sometimes, try to put you down. If you have encountered such people, you should be very cautious and understand they may be negatively copying because…
- They lack motivation. People may copy you if they lack the motivation to come up with their own ideas. Some people may not be as creatively in tune with themselves as others, so copying is a form of them figuring their own style out. While it may be annoying, they may copy you unknowingly.
- They are bored/boring. People may copy you because they are bored. If they have nothing better to do, they might even think it is funny to copy you. Of course, this form of copying is likely irritating on your end. It gives them excitement in their life that might otherwise go misplaced. Research shows that people who possess stereotypically boring features are perceived as both less interpersonally warm and less competent, and they elicit social avoidance by others, so perhaps you are more interesting to them than themselves.
- They are jealous or admire you. Some people can copy your ideas and plans because they are jealous of your achievements and developments. Other people copy you out of admiration. While this is a good approach, they are still copycats because they do not follow their own ideas nor become creative. It is not wrong to admire someone, their personality, or what they have achieved but copying them is.
Did you know that extroverts are more likely to engage in positive copying than introverts? This is because they are often more sociable and recognize that imitating or mirroring you can help you feel more comfortable around them. - They are threatened by you. If you set goals and achieve them within your time frame, you will obviously threaten your competitors with your success. If you are in the same niche like being a kinkster, a Femdom, etc, you can find some people copying everything you do because they feel threatened. Remember, by copying what you are doing; they think they will succeed or surpass too. However, they forget that we are all different and cannot excel the same way.
- They are obsessed (and can I blame them, have you met me?!). As you have already seen, copying is certainly not always endearing. Stalkers aren’t just people who are romantically or sexually interested in you. They can be anyone who develops an obsession with you. People are prone to obsession, and becoming obsessed with another person is not uncommon. Respect is one thing; idolization is different. People may copy you if they become obsessed with you. There is a line that can be crossed when it comes to someone copying the way you live, and such imitation can be dangerous.
- They are insecure. People who are confident and strong set themselves apart from the crowd. However, those who have low self-esteem are insecure feel the need to copy others to be recognized. People who have no identity of their own tend to copy others to be recognized.
Psychologically, we would describe this type of personality, especially if it happens too intensely and frequently, as the type of person who has no sense of self. This lack of self prompts them to mimic or try to become exactly like someone else. Being around this kind of grossly insecure person, can understandably feel unsettling.
Not only is this copying very creepy, but it’s also usually insulting and can rob you of any feeling of individuality.
Femme-fatality
I don’t know if this an inherently female-identified issue but that is where I’ve encountered it the most. I really want to tell you that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
If you think I have the life you want, you’re only looking at it from a two-dimensional perspective. You may think I’m successful because I have the jobs and 24/7 lifestyle you want, but, in reality, I’m not sure you want to live my lifestyle. I live a fast-paced life that is stressful in nature. Can you function regularly off five hours of sleep? Do you enjoy meeting lots of new people each month? Are persistent looming deadlines your jam? What about managing multiple adults under one roof?
With that being said, I want to tell you that we all have our own goals in life. You thinking I have the ideal life doesn’t mean it is the ideal life. It may not be the best way to live according to your situation, and it may not be flexible enough. We all have our own priorities, which means the way I live and the jobs I have are only the results of my situation. But your challenges are different from mine, which means there are better solutions that are more catered to you.
And, just like you, I have my own insecurities.
Be mindful, and please pay attention to your interactions with others and remember that any one of the above things can put you on the outskirts of female companionship. Sure, it’s great to take inspiration from others. But, in the end, you know yourself best and that’s what you should be building from.
Want to approach the topic with the offender?
I don’t have the patience to have these types of conversations anymore, so nowadays, I generally will remove this person from my sphere of awareness and terminate contact.
There’s only so much other people can copy from me. At some point, the copycats won’t be able to imitate how I speak, how I present, how I care for my submissives or show up in my community, or how I infuse my values in what I do and offer.
So I always ask myself if it’s worth my time and energy when choosing how to respond.
On the other hand if you feel like you have the emotional bandwidth and this person is important to you. You could say something like…
Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you’ve been [wearing/buying a lot of the same things, joining all the groups I’m in, using verbiage you picked up from me, trying to model your lifestyle after mine, etc] and I don’t feel safe. Sometimes it’s okay, but the whole point of these things is to highlight your own unique personality. This can’t happen if you’re trying to do everything I’m doing! Is this something you aware of?
This will open it up as a conversation—but brace for impact—be prepared to receive defensiveness and for your friend to be in denial.
In some cases it’s developmental, people go through phases on the way to developing their own sense of who they are and who they want to be. But if it lasts too long, it can also be a sign that a person is missing a core sense of who they are, and they are trying to act as if they’re someone else in order to feel less empty and vacant, emotionally.
Sometimes handling this type of situation non-verbally is the best way to protect someone’s feelings. Mostly because, you must realize the type of person who’s prone to this behavior is most likely suffering from extreme insecurity—low to no self-esteem—and is having a hard time trusting their own instincts. It’s an inferiority complex in action. This is why I often don’t verbally broach this anymore, as I do have a viper tongue when I feel like someone is negatively copying me and I will inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings.
Instead point out what you like about their personality, especially when it departs from your own. Be less revealing around them, in general. Keep some of your preferences, style ideas, groups, big changes, and choices to yourself, for a period of time. Perhaps this will help them look to themselves or others for inspiration; instead of just copying you.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself when copying behavior occurs. You have the right to your individuality, and it’s okay to tell someone they infringe on it. Also understand, people are people.
Keep taking up space
I learned years ago to not let negative copycats dim my light. Even if they’re implementing the same ideas as me or doing the very same things, offering the same classes—I. Keep. Showing. Up. The truth is that some people will prefer to hear me and work with me or read from me rather than with someone else.
I know I have other attributes that nobody else can copy. Maybe it’s the stories I tell, or how my eyes twinkle when I speak about my boys, or maybe it’s the format of my classes, or my sense of kinky fashion, or how I approach other kinksters in group settings. Whatever that is, I keep showing up and allow my dream lifestyle to flourish for those I trust and experience what only I have to offer.
I hope the above helps you to reframe and think and act in healthier ways. Copying doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be sweet and thoughtful, it can be exciting and flattering, and it can be friendly and bond-building. But it can also be disruptive, harmful, condescending, and uncomfortable. While we can’t control how people treat us, we can make decisions about who we decide to interact with based on how we feel around others.