I took his power and now I was the one complaining.
I’ll admit when puppy and I first met, we both entered into a respective BDSM frenzy; his submissive, mine dominant. We were communicating with each other nearly 24/7, save for some sleeping hours we wedged in between. We moved very fast by all standards I had previously held. We started talking openly about our deepest desires within the first week. He was asked to start training under me very soon after our first messages to each other. I gave him daily tasks every day until we met in person just two months after the initial introduction. The tasks continued every day after for nearly three more months. He came to see me on a whim, he just had to, and I just had to…
Imagine explaining to friends and family that you have purchased a ticket, to meet a complete stranger who wants to do who-knows-what-with-you in another country thousands of miles away. Someone you’ve known only a few weeks, whose real name will not be revealed to you until you arrive as your reward. Think about how it may look when your four day trip gets extended and extended because you just can’t leave this new person’s side. We were acting a little crazy. I see that now. We’ve discussed it before but only now am I seeing the long-term consequences.
Be careful what you wish for
All we wanted was to be with each other. That’s it. We didn’t know how we’d do it but we knew we would. We have been successful in closing the distance gap between us but now what?
I had asked another young adult to do something drastic, downright split in the road life-altering. I asked because he offered. I desired him because he was what I was seeking at the time in a committed submissive. But had I asked too much of him? Had I realized the personal power he was transferring to me?
- He quit the job he had held for the past couple of years.
- He relinquished his company car back to said company, rendering him carless.
- He donated and stored away his life belongings that would not fit into a suitcase.
- He left his rental behind — breaking his lease, but honoring his payments.
- He said goodbye to friends and family, and a pet.
And then he came to live with me for a few months at first but with the notion that we were going to be planning for the long term goal of being together.
And then he went home for 18 months and did it all over again.
This is dedication on a new level for me. I’m quick to lose my temper when things don’t go my way but considerably less so than in my younger years. Anger has been an emotion that washes over me just as quick as sun rays and it’s taken a great deal of inner reflection and professional core digging to find out why I used to let things get to me so intensely. I am an intense person. When I do something, I give 150%. When I mean something, I can’t be wavered. When I’ve set my mind to complete a goal, well, consider it done — you’re just waiting to see it as a reality. In my mind though, I’ve done it. So it’s not surprising that when I’m angry, leave me the fuck alone but also when I love…oof, it’s going to be one hell of a rollercoaster.
I give as good as I get but I’ve heard often that my energy is ‘too intense’ for some, which is fine with me. You’re not the right one for me and let’s agree that you’d get hurt standing this close to my power. But when you show up, pledge service, and start down the winding path of becoming mine – you should be prepared for anything.
I wasn’t prepared for the bumps in the road.
What once was is no longer
Let’s not bullshit. I’d asked, through implications and plans that someone give up their life, mid-construction for me. He had his own routine. His own job. His own friends and way of doing things — I knew my way was better, but still, he had his place in his world. I was asking that he toss that to the side for a chance to be with me, which he did willingly. And now, the bumps are presenting themselves.
I don’t like when things don’t go as planned. I am a planner. I am a do-er. I am a plan for all contingency type of person and I thought I had. However, I failed to realize that by literally changing everything about Puppy’s life, even if it was to come be with me, I had changed the output of his personal power.
Giving up your power is not something you normally do willing. Instead, it often happens over a long sustained period in increments so small you are consciously unaware of what is taking place. In this situation we had inadvertently planned that he would hand over his personal power without realizing it.
The root of personal power loss can boil to one intrinsic concept: personal boundaries. With me he had dropped nearly all boundaries and therein laid our conundrum. I have several times found myself getting upset that puppy and I can’t be the way were when we met or do the things we did when we were courting each other. How can I be upset though when the playing field has changed so drastically? Why am I asking him to do the things he no longer can because of sacrifices made for me? The key now is to re-learn the game using the new rules, not stay stuck in the way we played before.
Don’t pinch me, slap some sense into me
In a posts many years ago, I lamented I wanted a submissive would let me control his mind, body, and spirit. I wanted to plan his meals, set exercise plans, pick his career, control our finances, keep him chastity, and take steps to achieve in my mind, personal and total Female Led Relationship status. Today, I taste that often but it also comes with the flavors of decision fatigue, self induced insomnia, breadwinner stress, and even body tensions at times. My plan hadn’t accounted for those. It wasn’t careless, it was uncharted territory.
We’ve been fortunate enough to present all around the world together in several countries and states. This was a ‘pie-in-the-sky’ goal we had when we met that we achieved and we are grateful for it. What makes it even more sweet for us is when we get feedback from others on our “energy”. We don’t usually plan out our classes word for word, I create an outline of a concept and we play off each other during the course of the workshop or presentation. We mesh extremely well together in terms of our kink. It’s mostly natural but it’s easy to forget what it took for us to get here, for me to have what I wanted.
This is an appreciation post for puppy. I don’t know that I tell him plainly enough that I adore all he has done for me and what he has added to my life. I’ve spent the better part of three years micromanaging him and making sure everything goes just-so, but there’s no plan for what we’re doing. There’s no handbook on surviving the trials and tribulations we’ve overcome and continue to face. I want to take more moments to honor where we are and not necessarily where we’ve been.
One thing is certain, it’s time for me to ease up on the reins and relocate some of his personal power back into his evolving and capable hands. Power manifests in the minds of all of us differently. It can mean confidence, leadership, independence, assertiveness, self love, worldliness, or something else entirely. The great thing is he gets to define his personal power however he likes as he becomes more self-ruling.