The Femdom wife.
The committed nesting partner.
You would think with a slew of labels like that it would really be all about me though wouldn’t it? But today as I made the same, short drive I make at least a dozen times a week from my boyfriend’s house back home to my sissy husband; windows down, sun shining, mind racing with all the things I needed to get done in just 4 hours, I asked myself a question:
What have I done for just me lately?
I know it seems like a silly thing to be asking myself but I only just realized I haven’t done anything for just myself in quite a long time. I don’t want to sit and list all the ways willingingly having three full-time partners and all their collective wants, needs, desires, and baggage in my life has taken a toll on me. I just want to acknowledge that I feel neglected by, well, myself.
When I was a teenager and moving out on my own, by my own choice, my parents didn’t take it well. My Dad flustered with my decision and also hiding his very real fear of his 16-year old daughter going into the world without his supervision asked me with such serious curiosity, “But…why, what is it you want out there?”
I remember my response very clearly as if I just said it yesterday: “I just want it all.”
That response, as aimless as it was, still seemed to satisfy him. He was a man I knew personally who never allowed himself to get off the treadmill of life in an absolute life consuming cycle to ‘have it all’. Although his desire was more material focused—as were mine at first, he still seemed to understand the sentiment I was expressing.
But the more I chase this elusive dream to ‘have it all‘ the more tired I get.
The more unattainable it seems.
The more daunting it feels and the less support I get from those close to me.
The more service-oriented my role as Mistress, wife, girlfriend, and nesting partner gets, the more stressed I am emotionally, physically, and mentally the more I question:
Who I am really doing all the things I’m doing for? Am I closer to having it all? Is it for them or is it for me?
Obviously there’s a certain agreed upon level of obligation that comes with having a partner(s) that I fully and happily accept for my partners but in general I don’t think I’ve done something just for myself and selfishly only myself, regardless of how others might perceive things from the outside, in far far too long. I was beginning to think maybe I was on a fool’s errand. Then I stumbled upon an article titled: You Can Have It All — Just Not All At Once
And it got me thinking…Am I trying to have it all…at once?
The writer made some good points that I see could being used to improve my own mindset. The feelings of overwhelmingly needing to measure up, stead fast, and really going after happiness has halted most productivity in my kink and non kink life. If I can’t change that I will never come close to being completely fulfilled.
Are people afraid to say they want it all because they don’t want to fail? I’m not. Failure is not a word I use often and not when I have so much true power and influence in the matter. I’m going to strive to get down to basics with simplifying and re-prioritizing to reach higher heights in many areas of my kink and non kink life, they suggested starting with only one or two goals, which in itself was very hard for me to do but I think I’ve managed to find a starting point.
They suggested these five things…
- Getting mentally focused.
- I will focus on bringing my D/s dynamic to an acceptable level
- I will find a healthy balance between my providing for partners’ needs vs. respecting my own needs
- Seeing the bigger picture.
- I will discern how these changes will affect my life positively
- I will solidify ‘why’ these are important to me and hold myself accountable and motivated in achieving my goals
- Optimizing your schedule.
- I will prioritize these goals and tackle the most challenging tasks at the beginning of each day (this is going to be the hardest for me because of 1.1)
- Adjusting your environment.
- I will strive to remain conscious about what and who I surround myself with in order to help me succeed
- Involving your emotions.
- I will try to connect my goals to powerful positive emotions and “trick” my brain into actually relaxing and enjoying them.
In essence, I need to as I stated in a previous post, ‘Domme my own life.‘ Because even with all the career mountain climbing, emotional mud I wallow through, stormy relationships to weather, and fleeting friendships…
This Queen still wants it all and I always get what I want.