When I make my mind up it’s hard to change. Not impossible but you will have your work cut out for you. With that in mind, when I decided I wanted a submissive in my life, wanted a life of D/s, and decided I was going to give this my all, well, it was and has been hard to change my mind.
I have spent year after year toiling away (it’s not as bad as I am making it sound) exhaustingly trying to not only pinpoint what I wanted but more importantly what I wanted. It’s evolved over the years but at the core it hasn’t really changed – much like my mind. I knew I wanted a submissive, I wasn’t picky on gender but found I had more success with male submissives and built upon that. I have attended no less than three major events per year for the past 10 years or so. I have observed. I have read. I have practiced. I have self-taught. I have failed. I have gotten back up and re-learned better. I have reached out for help. I have provided help when requested. I have played in the wading pool and I have dove into the deep in of all that kink has to offer. All of this was to better understand what kind of submissive I wanted and what kind of Femdom I could be to someone.
I am versatile but I definitely have my own style, my own way of “dominating” when there is no structured scene or guidelines to follow. After years of ignoring it, I can say truthfully that I am sadistic. I like to see people squirm – as long as I am the cause, it delights me. I am strict. I am picky. I am very particular. I don’t enjoy repeating myself. I want your undivided attention. I want your commitment. I want you to wow and impress me – especially once you think you “have” me. I want consistency. I want devotion in the form of the illusion of a ‘tireless’ submissive – even though yes, I know you will get tired, you’re only human. I want a submissive that wants to give 110% and then gives 120%.
Serving me is no easy feat. I won’t lie. It’s hard. It’s demanding. It’s all encompassing. I have sometimes ridiculously high standards. However, I will provide sometimes ridiculously high forms of domination. I only give as good as I get, and even then I will do my best to one-up you, just to remind you why I’m charge. (Psst…I’ll give 121%)
So why do I still find myself experiencing the letdown associated with my search for submission that pleases me reliably? Was I unclear in what I had been searching for all this time?
Was I looking for a little? Nah. While they are fun to intermittently play with, it’s hard for me to get into the mindset of long term “caring” with none of the meanness that gives me a rush.
Internet submissive? Eh. It could entertain me for a while – longer than I would’ve guessed but eventually if I can’t feel your skin under my nails and teeth, it will fizzle.
Ooh what about the sexual sub? This never appealed to me. Sex is easy for someone like me to come by. There’s no thrill in using someone for just sexual submission – not to mention I am not wholly sexual focused in terms of D/s. Sex is sex, D/s is so-much-more in my eyes. I like elements of it for my own pleasure but I could hardly build an entire dynamic centered around it.
A Smart Assed Masochist? Nope. Absolutely not. I’ve used some other dominants’ SAMs and it’s not for me. Brattiness can be cute for a very, very, VERY short period and then it turns to annoyance for me. It picks at the ‘disobedience’ scab in my Femdom mind and in turn just pisses me off.
Now a service submissive…this was much more appealing for me. As someone who is often juggling too many projects to name, having someone who is adept at helping keep my environment organized – calendar, chauffeuring, running errands, checking my emails, or blog posts for errors, keeping me up-to-date on happenings….all while taking pleasure in catering to me by way of cooking and cleaning (both of which I am very skilled at but often too busy to want to do)…this was appealing to me.
What I know I have never wanted is a “sometimes submissive”.
I don’t want well-spoken promises, weaved in between sweet nothings that never come into fruition, or when they do, it’s not consistent (you noticing a theme of being accountable for your words here?). If you ask to be molded into the submissive I desire you to be, I will take that seriously. I will create a plan with contingencies. I will plan around your shortcomings (and mine!), and I will lead with a determined and steadfast menagerie of daily tasks, exposure and experimentation with new kinks, reports, journals, protocols, extensive training and more. Unfortunately what I often encounter is the “sometimes submissive”, and it’s tiring and disheartening.
A lot of submissives don’t fully understand what a lot of Femdoms want. We want it all in our fantasies. But in reality we’ll settle for a submissive with a handy set of life skills (cook, clean, fix things, give advice, good listener, thoughtfulness, even temperament, high emotional intelligence with a healthy dose of self awareness) that can help our lives be more free to focus on the important things – and yes, that means being your dominant. Why are dominants expected to toe the never-ending heavy line day in and day out to “lead by example”? When we slack off we’re labeled as “bad dominants” when a submissive slacks, it’s our fault and they just need extra domination. I’m over that tired rhetoric. Some submissives aren’t cut out for submission in the long haul and they owe it to themselves and their “dominants” to admit when that’s the case.
A sometimes sub can be the silent killer of any D/s relationship or interaction. It’s like the carbon monoxide of D/s, you can’t smell it or see it, but you can feel the effects stacking on you. It’s even worse than the disobedient sub because the hope of it all is mind-numbingly weary.
Submitting is fun at first. It’s a thrill. It’s sexy. It’s intoxicating. It’s everything you (the sub) wanted — or at least you thought. Then you realized while yes you are plugged, you’ll still be expected to fold laundry. When you’re sleepy, I’m still going to expect you to finish the tasks you agreed to do. I can’t fuck your ass every day because it would lose some of the magic and I have real life work to do.
If I formulate a protocol, I wanted it followed on all days, not just the ones you “feel” like doing them. Oh don’t get me wrong, if something is amiss – you’re feeling down, off, anxious, tired, pandemic fatigued, etc, just communicate that with me. Don’t leave me in the dark wondering why you can’t live up to the standards you and I both agreed to. Don’t conveniently forget or ignore something I’ve been counting on or looking forward to. Don’t make up excuses just talk to me like you respect me as a person and yourself as someone I can rely on.
There are days I don’t want to fucking write tasks. I don’t want to remind you for the millionth time when I say do my laundry I mean from start to completion (folding and putting away). I don’t want to sound like a broken record reminding you of how many days you said you’d let me edge you as you complain. If I say I want you groomed a certain way, just do that, don’t be lazy or non-compliant. I don’t want a sub who only wants to submit sometimes. I’ve been doing this a long time, so perhaps, I have an edge and this is all second nature to me in some ways but I want you to call me on my bullshit when I’m not living up to my advertisement as the Femdom I said I was…
Just don’t be upset when I call you on yours.