When I make my mind up it’s hard to change. Not impossible but you will have your work cut out for you. With that in mind, when I decided I wanted a submissive in my life, wanted a life of D/s, and decided I was going to give this my all, well, it was and has been hard to change my mind.
I have spent year after year toiling away (it’s not as bad as I am making it sound) exhaustingly trying to not only pinpoint what I wanted but more importantly who I wanted. It’s evolved over the years but at the core it hasn’t really changed – much like my mind. I knew I wanted a submissive, I wasn’t picky on gender but found I had more success with male submissives and built upon that. I have attended no less than three major events per year for the past 10 years or so. I have observed. I have read. I have practiced. I have self-taught. I have failed. I have gotten back up and re-learned better. I have reached out for help. I have provided help when requested. I have played in the wading pool and I have dove into the deep in all that kink has to offer. All of this was to better understand what kind of submissive I wanted and what kind of Femdom I could be to someone.
I am versatile but I definitely have my own style, my own way of “dominating” when there is no structured scene or guidelines to follow. After years of ignoring it, I can say truthfully that I am sadistic. I like to see people squirm – as long as I am the cause, it delights me. I love the spontaneousness of a reaction caused by me. I am strict. I am picky. I am very particular. I don’t enjoy repeating myself. I want your undivided attention. I want your commitment. I want you to wow and impress me – especially once you think you “have” me. I want consistency. I want devotion in the form of the illusion of a ‘tireless’ submissive – even though yes, I know you will get tired, you’re only human. I want a submissive that wants to give 110% and then gives 120%.
Serving me is no easy feat. I won’t lie. It’s hard. It’s demanding. It’s all encompassing. I have sometimes ridiculously high standards. However, I will provide sometimes ridiculously high forms of domination. I only give as good as I get, and even then I will do my best to one-up you, just to remind you why I’m charge. (Psst…I’ll give 121%)
So why do I still find myself experiencing the letdown associated with my search for submission that pleases me reliably? Was I unclear in what I had been searching for all this time?
Was I looking for a little? Nah. While they are fun to intermittently play with, it’s hard for me to get into the mindset of long term “caring” with none of the meanness that gives me the highest rush.
Internet submissive? Eh. It could entertain me for a while – longer than I would’ve guessed but eventually if I can’t feel your skin under my nails and teeth, it will fizzle.
Ooh what about the sexual sub? This never appealed to me. Sex is easy for someone like me to come by. There’s no thrill in using someone for just sexual submission – not to mention I am not wholly sexual focused in terms of D/s. Sex is sex, D/s is so-much-more in my eyes. I like elements of it for my own pleasure but I could hardly build an entire dynamic centered around it.
A Smart Assed Masochist? Nope. Absolutely not. I’ve used some other dominants’ SAMs and it’s not for me. Brattiness can be cute for a very, very, VERY short period and then it turns to annoyance for me. It picks at the ‘disobedience’ scab in my Femdom mind and in turn just pisses me off. I’m playing the role of being in charge because you’ve agreed to play the role of following.
Now a service submissive…this was much more appealing for me. As someone who is often juggling too many projects to name, having someone who is adept at helping keep my environment organized – calendar, chauffeuring, running errands, checking my emails, or blog posts for errors, keeping me up-to-date on happenings….all while taking pleasure in catering to me by way of cooking and cleaning (both of which I am very skilled at but often too busy to want to do)…this was appealing to me.
What I know I have never wanted is a “sometimes submissive”.
I don’t want well-spoken promises, weaved in between sweet nothings that never come into fruition, or when they do, it’s not consistent (you noticing a theme of being accountable for your words here?). If you ask to be molded into the submissive I desire you to be, I will take that seriously. I will create a plan with contingencies. I will plan around your shortcomings (and mine!), and I will lead with a determined and steadfast menagerie of daily tasks, exposure and experimentation with new kinks, reports, journals, protocols, extensive training and more. Unfortunately what I often encounter is the “sometimes submissive”, and it’s tiring and disheartening.
A lot of submissives don’t fully understand what a lot of Femdoms want. We want it all…in our fantasies. But in reality we’ll settle for a submissive with a handy set of life skills (cook, clean, fix things, give advice, good listener, thoughtfulness, even temperament, high emotional intelligence with a healthy dose of self awareness) that can help our lives be more free to focus on the important things – and yes, that means being your dominant. Why are dominants expected to toe the never-ending heavy line day in and day out to “lead by example”? When we slack off we’re labeled as “bad dominants” when a submissive slacks, it’s our fault and they just need extra domination. I’m over that tired rhetoric. Some submissives aren’t cut out for submission in the long haul and they owe it to themselves and their “dominants” to admit when that’s the case.
A sometimes sub can be the silent killer of any D/s relationship or interaction. It’s like the carbon monoxide of D/s, you can’t smell it or see it, but you can feel the effects stacking on you. It’s even worse than the disobedient sub because the hope of it all is mind-numbingly weary.
Submitting is fun at first. It’s a thrill. It’s sexy. It’s intoxicating. It’s everything you (the sub) wanted — or at least you thought. Then you realized while yes you are plugged, you’ll still be expected to fold laundry. When you’re sleepy, I’m still going to expect you to finish the tasks you agreed to do. I can’t fuck your ass every day because it would lose some of the magic and I have real life work to do.
If I formulate a protocol, I want it followed on all days, not just the ones you “feel” like doing them. Oh don’t get me wrong, if something is amiss – you’re feeling down, off, anxious, tired, pandemic fatigued, etc, just communicate that with me. Don’t leave me in the dark wondering why you can’t live up to the standards you and I both agreed to. Don’t conveniently forget or ignore something I’ve been counting on or looking forward to. Don’t make up excuses. Just talk to me like you respect me as a person and yourself as someone I can rely on.
There are days I don’t want to fucking write tasks. I don’t want to remind you for the millionth time when I say do my laundry I mean from start to completion (folding and putting away). I don’t want to sound like a broken record reminding you of how many days you said you’d let me edge you as you complain. If I say I want you groomed a certain way, just do that, don’t be lazy or non-compliant. I don’t want a sub who only wants to submit sometimes. I’ve been doing this a long time, so perhaps, I have an edge and this is all second nature to me in some ways but I want you to call me on my bullshit when I’m not living up to my advertisement as the Femdom I said I was…
Just don’t be upset when I call you on yours.
All of what you say is very true ! There is a great struggle in the lifestyle with much of what you say . I am over 50 years old and have been practicing this lifestyle with the same woman for over twenty years exclusively! I personally think a lot of the problems come from the very things we do , and why we do them . We have had many, many ups and downs over the years and personal struggles.
I Honestly believe , that in some cases we do the wrong things for the right reason , and this leads to failure in the end. It’s because we don’t realize that by doing what we are doing , we are destined to fail in the long run , because of the mental path we are taking without realizing it .
I will give what may seem like a strange example. Often people get a new puppy , with all the thoughts of the wonderful dog it will become . How it will become the perfect dog for them and they will train it to be exactly what they want . Only to surrender it perhaps a year later to a shelter , because it is impossible , and they feel they have tried everything, and the failure falls solely on the dog .
For example, they now have a full grown dog , that jumps on everyone , knocks people down and is out of control ! They tell themselves the dog is to blame and that they have done all they can and that they are sure the next dog will be better ! They will find success with a better , smarter different dog .
Now , if we look back at our actions ! At how we contributed to the dynamics and what we may have done different , there is real growth and insight ! We may actually see, that when the puppy was little every time when he met people , because he did not know better , he jumped up excited to meet new people , and in those moments he was rewarded ( with the best of intentions ! ) with affection !
It was cute to have this little thing jumping on us for attention, and without ever realizing it , we here mentally conditioning him , that affection and attention was gained by jumping up on people . This was reinforced hundreds of times when he was little , because in the moment it is so cute . Only to become something that would later become the very reason to get rid of him.
I know this is a little on the simplistic side , but it is my hope that both , Domme and sub can gain some insight into self reflection and looking to see how there attitude , or action may be leading to their failure time and again . This is the single most difficult things I see time and again in the femdom lifestyle!
Both sides , with the best of intentions doing things that can only lead to failure, or drifting apart . It’s not that any particular activity is wrong , or must be avoided . It is just there is almost nothing out there that will help ….YOU!!!…. Domme , or submissive reflect on your actions and find a healthier path to better success.
The complaints from both sides never change . All of what you say is true from the Domme perspective, and is commonly reflected by so many Domme. While submissive’s complain they can’t find a Domme that gets them .
It’s comes down to two things , in the beginning we ( Domme &Submissive ) give more of ourselves, only to later give less! We do not put the same effort and work into the dynamics, and justify this in our own minds for our own reasons . While at the same time expecting even better results !
Combined with the fact that often with the very best of intentions, both sides by their very actions and attitude reflect my puppy example . It maybe a sub who conditions his mind over time to need and crave greater intensity , thus pushing his Domme to practice greater intensity to get the same results , then finds his Domme feeling used and unappreciated, as a result !
While she struggles to understand why she can’t get more with less effort after so much time and conditioning! I think that the truth is that it’s simply that we don’t put the same effort after time on both sides , as we get more comfortable in the relationship and take things for granted to some degree .
That said , I feel that a lot of the things we do, do have a large element of my puppy example. If you beat a submissive to get greater submission, he will give you greater submission, however over time the submissive will have no choice , but to develop a greater mental need for this intensity as a result of the having to submit to those beating . The end result will be a submissive that finds greater submission without more physical intensity more and more difficult!
Thus you will find yourself having to administer those beating and often, over time frustrated by this fact ! If I could share one lesson! One cardinal rule ! What ever you do , what ever floats your boat , ensure that when you do these very actions , that there is strictly only positive energy in the room, and that you are developing a good mindset to get the real results you want over time .
That you take a hard look at what your are really conditioning the Domme or submissively towards over time ! The truth is it’s much harder in a full time or monogamous relationship, where there must be a healthy balance in your vanilla life and D/S lifestyle!
Hope this causes all to reflect, and find their own answers that will bring them greater happiness!
Thank you .
The puppy analysis, reflects
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