I look around the room and wonder…
Does anyone in here know what a true break from this all means?
It’s an ironic observation as I, myself, stand up on a stage in front of nearly 100 fellow kinksters, ready to speak on a kinky topic.
I feel like a fraud whenever this happens (as it’s not the first time nor will it be the last). I haven’t held a paddle in my hand for the purpose of “discipline” or “play” in a few months.
Every journey starts with one spank
At the beginning of my kink journey I used to beat myself up internally whenever this happened…
- How can I be a Mistress if I’m not doing _____?
- What’s the point of the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on toys if I don’t use them _____ per month?
- Is there a minimum times I need to feel like a Femdom in a week to still claim that title?
It’s been 15 years and I can’t count the number of times I’ve taken a break from kink, BDSM, the scene, my community, and/or even just not giving a fuck about kinky Facebook (aka FetLife) happenings. I can’t count them because I don’t track them anymore.
Sometimes it’s a slow crawl over the course of months, other times it’s a sudden reaction to an experience or partner(s), and then it’s times like now, where it just isn’t working for me. The exact reason escapes me at times but I know now it’s not important even if that wasn’t always the case. In my earlier years I chased the reason down like a mad woman, hell bent and stir crazy on getting the answer to my simple question:
I thought the answer was reflective of my desire to dominate and if it waned at all, the fear set in: How long would my malaise last? What did it mean? Was there a way to fix it and if so take my money already and show me how dammit!
The real tiny voice inside me was actually whispering ‘Why me?‘
If you spend as much time (living) in kink as I do, or even casually participating you’ll begin to be tricked…er…”believe” by way of social media, status updates, relationship additions (or subtractions), kinky and popular photos and more that NO ONE ever grows tires of being kinky.
No one shows signs of slowing their sluttiness.
No one hints that they don’t feel like taking the lead as the top.
No one shit talks how boring waiting to be used as “footstool” can be.
No one turns down an opportunity to be tied up.
No one gets bored/tired/busy/annoyed/sick/overwhelmed/etc with being a kinkster, and certainly if they do, no one dare admit it aloud.
The answer to why this happens is just as simple; because.
Because I’m not special or unique. I’m human and you are too.
I haven’t been feeling like getting dressed up in tight fetish-wear just to parade around a dungeon to “be seen”.
I don’t have the energy to drive over an hour just to do a “scene” on some equipment I like.
I am actively not making the time to enforce rules, rituals, or protocols at the moment.
…And generally the weather here just plain sucks.
I still wear the pants
My home is kinkless at the moment and has been for a few months. Oh sure, I still get offered tea at midnight, I get called Mistress, I can still give “the look” to make things happen, but old habits die hard. These gestures aren’t inherently kinky to me.
My kinky partner seems to have taken this break a bit harder than I am. It’s his first time since starting kink. I can see the silent panic dimming the twinkle in his eye as the days turn to weeks and weeks into months. I can feel his desperation to “get back to the way things were”, when he hesitates to make certain decisions solo, without my Femdom input. I can feel the heaviness in his voice each time he fails to call me Mistress and I don’t correct him. I watch as he subtlety tries to submit or act out for punishment, somewhat out of habit, somewhat out of hope.
I’m not in the business of selling false hope. Which is why I’ve been completely honest with him and myself.
Kink just isn’t working for me right now. It’s not on my menu of desires.
There’s a multitude of reasons why, personally and professionally but the fact remains the same.
It’s not working for me. Sorry, kids.
I’m knee deep in taking a break. I told people openly after the event I spoke at a few months ago but it was taken in jest. Even when no playfulness was hinted in my voice.
I get it. No one wants to believe that others, especially a presenter would want to (or does) take breaks from kink and the scene. Jeez, why would we? “But why it’s so much fun and glamorous” a friend of mine expressed to me, when I attempted to explain my temporary time out.
Is it? I thought as I recalled the last year of constant living out of a suitcase — stuffed with leather, dildos, and fishnets but little room for my favorite PJs or portable white noise machine. Flying from one end of the country to the other bimonthly to empower others when I myself needed a pep talk. Arguing about who forgot to print updated handouts or pack my favorite flogger. Stressing over the perfect wording for classes, lugging props for demos to and fro, always forgetting something despite creating one too many checklists to prevent just that.
No one wants to take a break from kink. Right?
But I assure you, we do.
And as with most things it’s okay. I appreciate every opportunity I have been given and may be given to speak about one of my favorite things but I’m only me. We all have limits and hobby burnout is inevitable when you’re constantly in the mix or attempting 24/7.
But it will be okay.
I reassure my kinky partner weekly that it’s ‘okay’ we’re taking a break. I can tell he doesn’t trust the words because he’s never been through this process before. I can tell he’s scared if we stop for too long, he’s unsure of what that means? I can see the wheels turning as he questions himself on his purpose (in this role) and even more so, wonders if it is it somehow his fault. I see no answer I give will reassure and comfort him until he believes and understands that while we live a 365/24/7 kinky lifestyle, shit happens, life happens. It’s a living, breathing, force that needs a break to regroup and recharge every now and then.
It will be okay.
Decision fatigue is a real occurrence that happens for me as Femdom/someone in a leadership role. Personal overuse of social media starts to drain me as I also use it heavily for work. (You guys saw it took me 9 years to finally create my Instagram account right?) “d20domme” is not a character but it’s still also not a mindset I can grasp in the forefront of my mental focus at all times as tightly as many a fantasy may wish. Doms need self-care time as well. As with anything you do for too long it’s expected and quite healthy to take a break.
You know those word puzzles that you look at for hours searching for the last two words before giving up in frustration? Only to then come back the next day with fresh eyes and precisely spot them within moments…?
People (dominants, submissives, tops, bottoms, switches, people in the lifestyle mainly to get their brains fucked out, and everyone in-between) get fucking tired. We burn out. Did I mention I’ve been at this hobby turned full lifestyle for over 13 years? It gets tiring at times.
I’m resting my eyes so I can approach the puzzle with fresh eyes and a fresh whip or paddle. Taking a break from kink or any other thing you do (and possibly love) doesn’t mean you love or want it any less. I wouldn’t still be doing this if I didn’t take breaks, I’d drown. It’s a natural ebb and flow like most things in life. There’s nothing wrong with you or anyone else for feeling like this.
I’ve always been authentic with my fans, followers, and admirers and I don’t want this to be any different.
I have been taking a break.
You can take a break.
You deserve a break.
Try not to get your edible panties in a bunch when (not if) it happens to you.