I’m done hosting visitors in My DMs
There’s a certain type of traveler I’ve grown weary of hosting, I call them the Kinky Tourist™. You know the kind. They arrive bright-eyed and overpacked with fantasy, ready to “experience” the sights of Dominance, devotion, and discipline, but without the slightest intention of staying long enough to understand the language, customs, or respect the space they’ve entered.
They wander into My inbox like they’ve just booked a charming Airbnb:
“Hi Miss, I’ve always been curious about serving a real Domme,” they say.
Curiosity is not a commodity I am offering to the Kinky Tourist, but they don’t care about that. They promise they’re looking for something serious. They comment relentlessly on how authentic My approach feels. They ask questions about “service,” about “training,” about what it really means to belong to Me and for a fleeting moment, I allow the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this one isn’t here for a weekend excursion.
But inevitably, the itinerary unfolds and within a week or two (sometimes even three!), they’re gone. No message. No explanation. Not even the courtesy of a polite checkout note saying, “Thank You for the stay. Thank you for spending time answering questions I should’ve Googled. Thank you for sharing energy as a temporary mentor to a complete stranger. Thank you for being respectful even if you will see in the end I am not.”
They vanish, another ghost stamped into the passport of My patience.
The itinerary of a Kinky Tourist
This pattern has become so predictable it’s almost laughable. It begins with enthusiasm. You know the kind, that first inquiry brimming with excitement. They’ve seen a few of My pictures, watched a few of My clips, read a few of My posts here or on FetLife. Suddenly, they’re convinced they’re ready to “serve” a Domme.
I can almost hear their inner monologue: Yes, this is it. This is where I’ll find my purpose. My fantasy will finally become real.
And so, they book their ticket into My DMs. They arrive in My digital domain with a heart full of longing and a backpack full of heavy assumptions.
They start the tour with a guided experience:
- Should I call you Mistress? Goddess? Or…?
- What are your protocols in the Queendom?
- Do you have any rituals I could do for you?
- What would my role be in your world?
- Would you make me do [insert one of their unprompted fantasies]?
All of this as if they are checking landmarks off a kinky travel brochure. They’ll compliment My photos, express how “intimidating but fascinating” I seem, and insist that they’re looking for “long-term service.” But like most tourists, they’re not here to build something. They’re here for the photo op. They want the experience of interaction, not the investment of commitment. They want to stop at the popular hot-spots they’ve seen and have no time for the hidden gems that require more time to discover.
How to spot a Kinky Tourist
I know I’m not alone in this experience. It’s taken years, thousands of messages, hundreds of conversations but I’ve developed what I half-jokingly call the “Dominant Ocular Pat-Down.” (If you get the reference here’s a cookie!) Within a few moments of scanning a profile or reading an opening message, I can tell whether I’m dealing with a traveler or a potential sexy settler.
The tourists usually reveal themselves quickly:
Their profiles are passports, not homes
They’re filled with vague statements like “still exploring”, “curious about the lifestyle”, or My favorite “evolving”. We’re all evolving! But with theirs there’s little substance. Probably just a few reposted memes and maybe a half-hearted bio about wanting to “please a strong woman”, or “always had fantasies of a woman telling me what to do”. All their favorites, site activity, and groups center around obvious visual fulfillment (i.e. free porn). It’s like flipping through a travel brochure: glossy but glaringly hollow.
Their energy peaks too soon
Within hours of first contact, they’re proclaiming “I’d do anything for You.” They start stating how they’d make things better in your life. They test jokes of “If I were there _____.” That instant devotion? It’s not real loyalty it’s the sugar rush of novelty. They don’t yet know what service even means.
They collect Dominants like postcards
The moment you see their “following” list or notice they’ve copy-pasted the same message to multiple women, you realize you’re one stop on their never ending I-tinerary. They’re touring Femdoms and Dominants like a cruise through the Caribbean stopping just long enough to sample the view and hurl calculated cat-calls before moving on to the next one.
They flinch when faced with depth
Ask them to complete a reflective exercise, write about why they want to serve, where they believe their desires originate, how they can see integrating kink into their lives, or perform a simple task and the Wi-Fi suddenly goes out. The deeper the connection begins to feel, the faster they retreat back to their comfort zone of total and utter fap fantasy.
The emotional tax of hosting Kinky Tourists
Here’s what most of these tourists don’t understand: Every message costs Me something.
Each time I open a new introduction, I’m not just scrolling. I’m sifting. I’m looking for sincerity, for that rare glimmer of someone who’s genuinely ready to learn, to serve, to grow. That process takes time. It takes discernment. It takes emotional fucking labor.
So imagine doing that hundreds, even thousands of times a year, because that’s how many unsolicited messages I get. Now imagine finding maybe two handfuls of genuine souls among them.
It’s exhausting.
And yet, because I take what I do seriously, because Dominance to Me isn’t just a fetish but a philosophy, I still give those initial interactions some grace. I still read, assess, and respond with care (most of the time). I still allow for curiosity because every submissive starts somewhere.
But when curiosity disguises itself as commitment, when “exploring” turns into ghosting, that’s where the resentment grows. Because now, My time, something I guard fiercely, has been treated like a free fetish tour.
Why Femdoms become skeptical
This, right here, is why so many experienced Femdoms and Dominants grow cautious, even jaded. It’s not cruelty or arrogance when we appear skeptical of new subs, it’s self-preservation.
We’ve been the unwitting tour guides too many times. We’ve offered insight, guidance, patience only for the tourist to pack up and leave when the fantasy feels too real, too demanding, or too revealing.
And then, of course, they wander to the next Dominant and repeat the cycle.
The kink community often loves to talk about “trust” from a submissive’s perspective and how hard it is to surrender, to open up, to be vulnerable. But there’s rarely enough said about the Dominant’s vulnerability in this dynamic. When we open the door to a potential submissive or play partner, we are also extending trust. We trust that they won’t waste our time, misuse our energy, or treat us like a stop on their tour.
That’s why so many of us implement strict vetting processes, intake forms, paid sessions or content, or even enact complete radio silence unless a sub has come recommended. We’re not being elitist, we’re setting boundaries born of experience.
Because we know: for every one genuine person seeking depth, there are one hundred tourists with a guidebook and a short attention span.
Internal questions I keep asking Myself
Sometimes I wonder…
- How long should the vetting process take? A week? A month? A season? How much of someone’s time must I invest before realizing they’re not planning to stay?
- Should I even bother responding to the “Hi Miss, new to this lifestyle but really interested in serving” messages anymore? Or do I owe it to My sanity to close the guest house entirely to only speak with those who come referred, vouched for, or with visible effort already demonstrated?
- How do I distinguish between the submissive who is nervous but genuine and the tourist who is curious but careless?
It’s an ongoing balancing act, the art of being open enough to meet authenticity, but guarded enough not to bleed for it.
Online Window Shopping vs. the Reality
The truth is, I don’t blame people for being curious. Curiosity is where everything starts. I was once curious too though I did the work, read, observed, showed up, listened.
But curiosity becomes disrespectful when it’s paired with entitlement.
When someone treats My time, My knowledge, and My emotional bandwidth as a free attraction, well, that’s when it stops being exploration and starts being exploitation.
Because let’s be honest, Most of these “kinky tourists” aren’t seeking to serve. They’re seeking to feel. To flirt with a sense of danger, power, and eroticism without having to risk anything real.
They want the postcard version of submission not the weathered reality of it.
A message to the “real ones”
And yet I always leave a light on for the genuine traveler.
For the submissive who arrives with intention. The one who’s done some reading, who knows what service means, who asks questions that show depth, not ego. The one who wishes to hang their hat for longer than a Snapchat.
The one who respects that My time isn’t a commodity, it’s a currency and that earning it requires more than curiosity.
Those are the ones who stay. Those are the ones who build something lasting. They don’t just “check in” they are looking to invest.
And to those few, rare, wonderful souls, thank you. You are the reason I still bother sifting through the noise.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever reached out to a Dominant just to see “what it’s like,” I have one piece of advice: don’t treat people like destinations.
If you’re not ready to commit to the journey, don’t book the trip. Personally I have no vacancy for tourists and I hear neither do My Dominant friends.
Because behind every “Hi Miss” you send, there’s a real person. A person who has likely spent years honing their craft, setting boundaries, creating spaces for genuine connection. They are not a museum exhibit for your curiosity. They are not a free fetish guide through your fantasies. (But maybe you can offer an appropriate tribute if that’s what you’re seeking…)
If you want to explore, fine but be honest about it. Say, “I’m new. I’m curious. I’m learning. I’m not looking for something beyond an exchange of knowledge or conversation.” I promise that honesty will earn far more respect than pretending to be ready for something you’ll abandon in a week or two.
The doors to My Queendom aren’t closed but they are locked for a reason. And only those who knock with intention, patience, and sincerity will ever be offered an invitation.
Because this isn’t a tourist attraction.
This is My home.
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