I have an exhaustion that has arrived in the space between who I am and who I’m being asked to be. It started quietly, then all at once. That’s where I find Myself recently, and rather than pushing through it the way I always do, I’m choosing to stop, step back, and go inward.
I’m declaring Myself officially “Inactive” as an in-person kinkster for the next six months.
For Me, I’m not being impulsive or dramatic. And for those of you who’ve followed this blog long enough, you already know this isn’t My first rodeo with a deliberate hiatus. I consider this a pattern of self-honoring that I’ve come to recognize as one of the most Dominant things I can do: choosing Myself, completely and without apology.
The burnout is real but layered
Let Me be honest with you the way I always try to be here.
I run a neurodivergent household as the only neurotypical person in it also as its Head of Household. What that means is, day in and day out, I am the axis. I am the regulation, structure, emotional scaffolding, and the executive functioning that keeps everything and everyone oriented. I do this with love and because it is the role that I claimed. But I will not pretend it doesn’t cost something because it costs enormously, and there is no off-switch for it.
Then I bring that same self, the one that’s already-stretched, already-giving, into kink spaces, into dynamics, into the consideration of potential s-types. I am then expected to pour further still, to await auditions, or for them to demonstrate and prove themselves.
And lately, what I have been met with has not met Me back.
I recently ended a dynamic with My kitty, someone I had been considering as a potential slave in training. That ending has required reflection, and reflection has a way of peeling back more than you initially intend to look at. I sat with it. I’m still sitting with it. And what the stillness has shown Me is that I have been absorbing a great deal for a long time without nearly enough being offered in return.
What I’m tired of…let Me count the ways
I am a female Dominant. Not a fantasy-service-provider-endless-wellspring positioned here for the taking.
And yet…
I am tired of being bombarded by low-effort attempts to gain My attention from people I will never, under any circumstances, be interested in. It’s the obvious copy-paste energy (especially when I can see their numerous failed attempts in previous messages that read exactly the same word for word). There’s an entitlement dressed up as interest, or the hilarious assumption that proximity to Me is itself a gift they deserve.
I am tired of meeting people who present themselves as far more experienced, far more committed, and far more self-aware than they actually are. It’s people who describe themselves in terms they, in My humble opinion, haven’t earned. They make promises, to Me, and apparently to everyone before Me, that they have never once followed through on, because the follow-through was never the point. It was all about the performance, even if they hate to admit it. I’ve found it was all about getting Me interested and the moment that was achieved, there was nothing underneath it.
I am sick of people who have no interest in growth. Not in kink specifically, but in themselves. These are people who have made peace with their own shallowness, or state of self confusion and then present it, repackaged, as idiosyncratic depth. I’ve met people for whom 24/7 is a thing they say rather than a life they’ve actively reckoned with. I get it, people who see what I can offer: My experience, My clarity, My vision for a Queendom that is full and intentional and alive. They want to consume it without contributing to it or growing inside of it. They don’t understand they have to be willing to be shaped to experience its benefits.
A D/s dynamic, at its richest, is a co-creation. Sure the Dominant will take the lead but it requires two or more people who are each, in their own lane, doing their own work. This work has to be done continuously, hungrily, and with humility. What I keep encountering instead are people addicted to the idea of submission, to the aesthetic of it, to the social media version of it. You know the kind I mean, they want the praise, visibility, and validation, all while flinching away from anything that requires real discomfort or real change. When the growth gets hard, their answer is “it’s too hard”. Then they’re gone, shirked away and eventually off to find somewhere softer to land.
I am not soft in that way nor am I interested in being soft in that way.
And I have noticed, with increasing clarity, that something I am doing continues to put Me in rooms (physical and metaphorical) with the same type of people. That pattern belongs to Me to examine, which brings Me to the inner work…
What will I actually be doing with this time?
As I reorient Myself carefully I will adhere to the following.
- My rope practice continues. Skills like these are tended and I hate to shelve it. The tactile relationship I have with rope is one that belongs to Me independent of any dynamic, and I will continue to refine it as it’s Zen-like when I am working with it.
- My toy and furniture collection will be organized properly. Time to get real with the ever-growing collection for “future play”. I’m going to be selective and intentional in this curation. I love My collection and it deserves this slow pace that recent time hasn’t allowed for.
- My personal kink writing project moves forward. I will not be writing here for six-months. *Gasp* I know but, I need to focus on another project that has been a labor of love and vision that I refuse to let languish any longer. It is Mine, and it is long overdue for dedicated attention.
- My body will be fed with design. I am beginning a whole foods lifestyle and eating in alignment with what My body has been asking for. It has been asking, loudly, and I have been too busy to fully listen. I have some wonderful Patreon subscribers joining Me on this part of the journey, which makes it sweeter (no pun intended), but I suspect this will stretch well beyond 30 days if the results reflect what I know my body is capable of. Nourishment is Dominance too, over the self first, always.
- Shadow work (finally) gets moved to the front burner. I have been pushing this to the back for too long, and I know exactly why: because looking directly at the parts of yourself you’ve been managing around is uncomfortable. But I am not someone who prefers comfort for safety, and I know that what waits for Me in that work will only deepen who I am and how I lead.
- Solo camping in the warmer months ahead. Nature has always been where I recenter fastest. While I prefer the beach I know in general there is something about wilderness, solitude, and your own competence being the only thing between you and the elements that resets a person in a soothing way. I am seriously looking forward to it, deeply.
All of this, collectively, is the fortification of My Dominance and My Queendom, I seek to strengthen it and Myself.
Kinky events, the community, and the state of everything
I’d be leaving something out if I didn’t address the broader disillusionment with the in-person kink world as it currently stands.
Large-scale events have become increasingly expensive and not always in ways that reflect increased quality or care. Some of this is simply the times we’re living in. But some of it is the specific leverage that comes from being one of very few spaces where our community can gather. And some organizers have not been shy about exploiting that leverage. Where else are we going to go? That question has become less rhetorical and more internally uncomfortable.
I have, as I’ve shared before on this blog, never found full fulfillment in in-person kink spaces with consistency. The gap between what these spaces promise and what they actually hold and deliver for someone like Me has always been notable. Right now, with the world doing what it’s doing; the geopolitical unraveling and the particular dread of this historical moment as we stare down possibilities that would have seemed like fiction five years ago is constant background existential dread for Me. So, spending significant energy and resources on spaces that leave Me feeling more depleted than nourished feels like a particularly poor trade.
So I’m just not making that trade.
To the future person I am trying to protect
Taking this break is not a withdrawal from the lifestyle. I hope you can see it as an act of care including toward anyone who might, in some possible future, enter My world as an s-type.
A Dominant who is running on empty is a Dominant whose decisions are reactive, standards erode at the edges, and whose read on people is muddied by their own unmet needs. Trust Me, I know this. I have watched it happen in others and I have felt the early warnings of it in Myself. The version of Me who emerges from this period of rest and deliberate inner work will hopefully be sharper, clearer, and more capable of recognizing immediately what does and does not belong in Her space.
My mental and emotional health is not separate from My Dominance. It is My Dominance. And right now, both require this.
I have a complicated and deeply held relationship with the idea that the Universe is, among other things, a cosmic choreographer. And a bit of a comedienne.
I don’t mean this passively or sitting and waiting with folded hands. I mean that there is a quality of alignment available when you stop forcing things. I think when you stop paddling furiously against a current that is trying to redirect you, there’s a gift for you that simply cannot be accessed any other way.
Something keeps showing Me the same lessons in the same kind of people. That is not their failure alone. I want to examine it as information for Me. And instead of being angry that I receive that information or by trying harder in the same direction, I am receiving it by stopping.
I’m going to turn inward and ask “What I am meant to understand before I go further?”
I believe, with the kind of soul simmering certainty that doesn’t require defending, that what is truly meant for Me or My Queendom will arrive when the conditions are right…when I am right. I don’t mean being perfectly arrived or completed, because that day never comes, but actually ready in the ways that matter. The right person for this life, for what I build, hope for, is rare. I know that. I have always known that. And that’s why I am done spending energy auditioning subpar substitutes.
I am prepared to wait and use that waiting as the profound, purposeful season that it is. When I return, I will be dilatory, unapologetic, and very, very punctilious. The Queendom doesn’t pause, its Queen is simply going home to tend to it.
Until then...
And don’t worry, I’ll still around and you can always read My older blog entries here. Or join Me at My Erotic Hypnosis & ASMR Patreon