The title of this blog was always My dream…trading the house chores I had been expected to do in vanilla relationships, for something more exciting and less heteronormative. But now, I need to get something off my chest, and it’s going to sting for some of you reading this. After fifteen years in the lifestyle and countless conversations with other Dominants, I’m tired of pretending this isn’t a massive issue: the vast majority of male submissives are absolutely terrible at domestic service, and it’s not because they lack the desire to serve.
It’s because they’ve never been taught how to actually run a household, and worse, they bring all their patriarchal conditioning right into the dungeon or playroom with them.
He Said vs. He Does
Let me paint you a picture. A potential s-type messages Me with elaborate fantasies about being My devoted house slave, or sissy maid, cooking gourmet meals, maintaining a spotless home, anticipating My every need. If he’s really foolish he shares his very specific ideas about what domestic submission looks like to him.
If I decide to engage with him and start seeing him, he then shows up and loads My dishwasher like he’s playing Tetris blindfolded. Plates facing every direction, bowls nested together so they can’t get clean, and somehow he’s managed to block both spray arms. When I point this out, I get that look, you know the one… the “it’s just dishes, why are you being so picky?” look.
Here’s what happened: I just became his Mother instead of his Mistress.
The patriarchy didn’t leave its boots at the door
I love My Puppy and My pet, but despite both of them taking on the role of sissy maid or domestic servant at varying times, this remains a sore issue for Me in the Queendom. You would think after years of training and practice, domestic service the way I like would be a breeze to consistently attain. Shocker, that is NOT the case. The same subconscious conditioning that tells *men their time is more valuable than women’s, that “good enough” is actually good enough when it comes to housework, that emotional labor is women’s work, all of that comes right along into D/s relationships. And suddenly I’m not exploring power exchange with an equal partner; I’m managing a grown man boy who thinks enthusiasm (if I’m lucky!) is a substitute for competence.
Each week My subs have chores around the Queendom they are meant to do. It doesn’t matter if it’s simply tidying a bedroom, sweeping floors, taking the trash out, separating the recycling, doing the laundry or whatever…
They can spend 10 minutes or 1 hour, use half a bottle of cleaning product, and emerge proud as a peacock. The room appears tidy at first glance, there’s no big trash on the floor, the laundry is all finished, they may even finish before the set time (always an alarming notion to Me).
But upon closer inspection, the closet and under the bed, now have been shoved to the brim with all the scattered items, while dirty clothes hide behind dressers, the floor is still sticky, and the edges of the room just didn’t exist during the sweeping, the laundry is still damp in the middle of the basket, meaning they have to be redone again because they’ve sat too long. When I point out what they’ve missed, I can see their faces fall. “But I worked so hard,” they say.
And there it was. They want credit for effort, not results. They want a gold star for trying, not for actually providing the service they offered.
The “Weaponized Incompetence” problem
Here’s where it gets really ugly. I’ve watched male subs deliberately half-ass tasks they don’t enjoy, knowing their Dominant will either redo it themselves or eventually stop asking them to do it. That’s not submission, that’s manipulation with a collar on.
I had one sub who would “forget” how I liked My tea made every single time. One sugar, almond milk, specific temperature. Simple. But week after week, he’d bring me something different, shrug apologetically, and offer to make another. After the fifth cup of bitter disappointment, I realized what was happening. He didn’t want to make tea. So he was being deliberately incompetent until I’d give up and make it Myself.
That’s not D/s. That’s just being a shitty partner with extra steps.
The rush job reality
Male subs, by and large, rush through domestic tasks like they’re speed running a video game. They want to get to the “fun” parts of submission: the kneeling, the restraints, the spankings, the reward. The actual service? That’s just the annoying prerequisite.
I’ve had subs “clean” My kitchen in twenty minutes flat, cramming everything into cabinets, wiping counters but not cleaning the tea kettle, and leaving crumbs in corners because they didn’t move the appliances. When I ask them to redo it properly, I get resistance. “I already cleaned it,” they’ll say, as if pointing out missed spots is Me being unreasonably demanding.
Meanwhile, I know these same men will spend three hours detailing their cars, organizing their figurine collections, or retrying level after level on a game they want to complete. The difference? Those things matter to them.
The emotional labor blind spot
The most insidious part is how male subs expect their Dominants to manage their domestic service. They want detailed instructions for every task, constant feedback, and praise for basic competence. They try to turn us into project managers for our own households!
“How do you want me to clean the bathroom?”
“Should I use this cleaner or that one?”
“Did I do a good job?”
“What should I clean next?”
Stop. Just stop. If you lived alone, you’d figure it out. If your boss asked you to handle a project, you wouldn’t need your hand held through every decision. But somehow, when it comes to “women’s work,” or domestic service they suddenly become helpless and need constant direction.
So how do we fix this?
If you’re a male sub reading this and feeling defensive, GOOD. That means some part of you recognizes yourself in these examples. Now channel that discomfort into real action.
Questions for Submissive Self-Examination:
Competence check:
- Can you clean a bathroom to the same standard you’d expect if you were paying someone to do it?
- Do you know how to properly load a dishwasher, do laundry without shrinking or fading clothes, and cook more than three meals from scratch?
- When you clean, do you move furniture and appliances, or just clean around them?
Motivation check:
- Are you rushing through tasks to get to “the good stuff” (vanilla or kinky)?
- Do you feel resentful when asked to redo something that wasn’t done properly?
- Are you more thorough with tasks that benefit you directly?
Emotional labor check:
- Do you ask for instructions for basic tasks you could figure out yourself or Google?
- Do you expect praise for doing things any adult should be able to do?
- Do you put the burden of managing your service on your Dominant partner?
How to Actually Step Up:
Before you even enter a D/s relationship:
- Live alone for at least a year and maintain your own space to a high standard
- Learn to cook at least ten different meals well, not just edibly, well enough that others enjoy it
- Develop cleaning routines and stick to them without external motivation
- Practice anticipating needs, if you see something needs doing, do it!
In relationships:
- Observe first, then ask questions. Watch how your Dominant does things before assuming your way is just as good – psst, it’s probably not
- Take initiative. If you see something that needs attention, handle it with care
- Accept feedback gracefully. “Thank you for showing me how to do this better” beats “but I tried my best” every time
- Match your Dominant’s standards, not yours. Your “clean enough” might not be clean enough for them
Real domestic service isn’t a kink performance
It’s not about looking cute in an apron or playing house, although visually those are enticing. It’s about genuinely making your partner’s life easier and better through competent, thoughtful action. Personally I will no longer be engaging with any submissives, especially male ones, who can’t live up to these basic requirements prior to meeting Me.
If you can’t be bothered to learn how to properly fold fitted sheets or remember how someone likes their morning tea, then domestic service isn’t for you. And that’s okay, there are plenty of other ways to serve. But don’t waste a Dominant’s time pretending you want to be helpful when what you really want is to be managed, praised, and rewarded for basic adult functioning.
The women in your life, Dominant or vanilla, deserve better. They deserve partners who show up with actual skills, emotional intelligence, and the understanding that service is about them, not about you getting your submission fix.
Do better. We’re watching, and we’re tired of being disappointed.
*And yes, I know not all men, but too many for My (and other Femdoms’ liking!)