I’ve learned I love him too much…if there is such a thing.
When he’s around I can’t think entirely straight. My heart flip flops, my focus zeros in on him in classic tunnel vision and it’s all I can do to keep my wits about me.
Oh I can choke him until he’s blue.
Promptly scold him when he’s disobedient.
Watch his lips stain with blood after I slap him.
Punish him for indiscretions.
I can even piss on him until he’s soppy with every drop of me while I laugh in his face.
But I couldn’t send him away.
It was for his own good and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And in return it’s made me feel like the world’s worst Mistress.
The one time he really needed my guidance, my firm hand, my dominant mind, and solid direction, I wasn’t there for him.
I couldn’t be his Mistress.
I got swept up in love.
Normally that wouldn’t be said in the tone I’m trying to convey but this time, loving someone too much has made me a bad Mistress. It made me unable to make the most logical, future affecting decision of our entire relationship and as they say, “It’s all gone tits up!” and not in a sexy way.
We had a plan.
We deviated from that plan.
That deviation blew up in our faces.
And now for the foreseeable future my puppy can never be called home to be with me, his Mistress.
Even typing the words breaks my heart all over again. We knew it was never going to be easy but everyone in a long distance, international, poly, kink filled relationship knows that. But it’s different now. Without rehashing too much of the ordeal puppy and mine’s geographical status will continue to contain that great big, beautiful, though time consuming, ocean between us.
“Protect the property at all cost,” is what I’m often heard saying during my classes or a scene. But I did just the opposite. And there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to me that will make me think it isn’t my fault.
We talk a lot in kink about mentoring and protecting those we play with. When it involves whips, chains, and ball gags that’s simple to manage if you’re careful.
But what about when you care so selfishly about just having someone as yours and by your side, that you leave them unprotected and vulnerable? What about when know you’re doing the wrong thing but you can’t help yourself? Or when you justify the consequences of your bad influence in your own mind?
I’ll tell you: You put them in a position where outside forces can cause more harm than any your deviant, twisted could ever dream of.
You put them in a position of not having you.
And even worse you put yourself in a position of not having them.